Saturday, March 26, 2011

I Am Now over 5'7" and Have Really REALLY Large Boobs: More Lies from the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

My bra size is 36DD.

I used to date Brad Pitt. That was defore I dated Jake Gyllenhall but after I dated Jesse Spencer.

I weigh 129.

I gave acting lessons to Gwyneth Paltrow.

I did time in a convent, where I was studying and preparing to become a nun. I left just before it was time to take my final vows. The reason I left was that Prince William said he wanted to marry me. Then he went and proposed to Kate Middleton as well. He expected the two of us to co-exist peacefully in the same wing of Buckinham Palace as sister wives. I opted out, and now Kate has William all to herself. The convent won't take me back. Go figure.

My mother was a fat lady in a circus sideshow, but she had the lap band procedure and is no longer sufficiently corpulent to continue working in the freak show profession.

My [biological] father is also my half-brother.

I am a direct descendant of Pocahontas.

My twin brother is a direct descendant of L. Ron Hubbard.

I have a very rare blood type. No one else in the world has it. It is known as "IB Positively Negative."

My brother and I say we are twins, but we are technically decatuplets. The remaining eight decatuplets escaped from our home in infancy and haven't been heard from since.

I intercepted a bullet in an attempted assassination of President George W. Bush in 2007. The bullet is still lodged in my elbow. If doctors remove the bullet, it may explode and destroy anyone within a 1000-yard radius.

My great-great grandmother authored the epic nursery rhyme "Humpty Dumpty."


  1. Hmm. There's a lot of that kind of thing about!

  2. I haven't heard anything from my parents. I'm not mentioning it unless they do. Chairman Mao says to refer the next call to him, and he will tell the relative not to contact me again. He says he has that authority.