Saturday, February 16, 2013

PG-13 Post

Note to readers: The following post deviates from my normally G-rated (or PG-at-most) content. If you are easily offended, you might wish to read no further than the disclaimer I issued to my parents. Tonight's post represents a departure from my normal content, as opposed to a harbinger of things to come. I've been somewhat influenced by my friends (who do not know they're my friends, as I read but do not often post there)  and by the occasionally bawdier content at exmormon.org.  Tonight I was inspired. I am eighteen now, and as such, it isn't wholly inappropriate for me to reflect content of  somewhat sexual nature. On the other hand, neither is it in any way necessarily for everything i write from this point forward to be smutty simply because I have, as a legal adult, the protection afforded by the First Amendment to write about anything that doesn't  threaten or libel anyone or incite violence. My next post will almost certainly be my normally mundane and uninspired content. I thank you in advance for not being offended, or for reading only those parts which would not be offensive to you.


The Flexor patches, especially when used in combination with heat treatment, are reducing the need for narcotics, although I'm still not out of the woods in term of having my next Catalina vacation be unceremoniously converted into an extended stay at the Betty Ford Clinic or some similar  accommodation. Dr. Jeff, AK Chairman Mao, the shrink I saw regularly when I received inpatient treatment for  PTSD, anxiety, and Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (that is one hell of  glamorous diagnosis if I've ever heard one), came to visit me today. He told me not to worry about the Dilaudid, Hydrocodone, and Benzos.  He said I'm getting a relatively low dosage of all of the pharmaceuticals-- less in a given day, he said he would estimate, although he admits to never having treated her -- than Lindsay Lohan probably consumes  in an uneventful single-hour interval. He also gave me the Todd Akin line about how a body knows when  it's being given the drugs for legitimate pain and for anxiety and muscle tension related to the pain, and is, therefore, less subject to addiction as a result as long as the dosage is appropriate, which, he assures me, it is. A woman's body has some miraculous properties, according to the words of Chariman Mao and Todd Akin.

*****Mom and Dad, you'd probably be happier if you did not read this next portion.*****

The next thing some politician and/or pseudo-scientist will suggest is that a woman's body  has ways to avoid a sexually transmitted disease if her sole exposure is through "normal" marital relations [defined as vaginal intercourse via the "missionary" position, positively nothing in any way kinky about any of it, including absolutely no use of pornography or even of  "talking dirty"]  with her lawfully wedded spouse who happens to be the carrier of said STD,  having picked it up from  extramarital activity(ies) of some sort, if the wife was either unaware of her husband's indiscretions or if he confessed them to her and the two of them prayed about it together and received confirmation before resuming marital relations. If the former was the case, and the errant husband left his wife in ignorance regarding his dalliance, the sin shall be on his head [which "head" is to be the recipient of the wages of his sin shall be determined by a higher power], and he may be subjected to all manner of scourges, including but not limited to the inability to "perform,"  the inability to end his "performance" satisfactorily and in a timely manner  [consider or visualize  the warnings of Viagra and Cialis commercials in terms of the necessity of seeking medical attention in the event that an erection lasts for a interval of four hours or longer],  painful "performance," and lesions on areas of his body visible both while wearing ordinarily concealing clothing and visible only while wearing apparel of an extremely intimate nature or, [again, the sin be on his head or on his other naughty bulbous parts] while wearing no apparel whatsoever.

I freely acknowledge that I've read none of the preceding theory in any medical journal. Then again, neither did Todd  Akin read pertinent material from a reputable medical journal  before making his rather dubious claims concerning the female body's innate ability to shut down normal reproductive processes in the event of "legitimate" rape.  My assertion is that my scenario is roughly as likely as was that made by Mr. Akin. I'll leave it to the reader to determine which if either proposition is remotely credible.

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