Saturday, July 28, 2012

All-Stars Edition of Dancing with the Stars

I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. One night a few years ago my mom was channel-surfing in her room while attempting to pass a kidney stone while I was sitting on her bed. She paused just long enough for us to watch a very small portion of Dancing with the Stars. What we saw was Marie Osmond in a rag doll costume, doing what was easily the most hideous dance I could ever imagine. The memory continues to haunt me. My mom said she'd rather deal with another kidney stone than watch Marie Osmond's dance again. Probably the only thing that would be worse for me would be if I had seen Kate Gosselin in action on the show, or if Rumer Willis were on the show and I had the misfortune of seeing it.

Now a reprise of sorts -- an All-Star edition of Dancing with the Stars, has been announced. The "stars" slated to appear on this extra special edition of the show include Kirstie Alley (former Weight Watchers spokesperson and a Scientologist), Pamela Anderson (someone who played bimbo roles in the olden days on TV and maybe in the movies as well), Drew Lachey (former Mr. Jessica Simpson), Apollo Anton Ohno (former Olympic speed-skater), Shawn Johnson (gymnast), Joey Fatone (singer-actor),  Helio Castroneves (race car driver), Kelly Monaco (I have no idea who she is),Melissa Rycroft (no idea who she is either), Emmitt Smith (former dallas cowboy running back), and [brace yourself} BRISTOL PALIN!

You read correctly. One season of torturing the television-viewing public of America with Ms. Palin's stiff yet apoplectic movements that the network was kind or blind enough to call dancing was not enough. The experience is going to be repeated for those of us who were lucky enough to miss it the first time yet might be less discerning in terms of our television viewing for the upcoming round.

If the network is truly reflecting the wishes of the majority of viewers by re-contracting Bristol Palin for this gig, why not take it one step further and hire her mother, Sarah Palin? Virtually everyone who voted for Bristol  in her previous incarnation of DWTS was casting a de facto vote  for Sarah Palin, anyway. Were Bristol not a close relative of Sarah Palin, she wouldn't have lasted to the second round of DWTS, nor would she have been invited to be on the program in the first place.  Furthermore, while I'm not a fan of Sarah Palin either ideologically, politically, or intellectually, I saw her on Saturday Night Live. She has some rhythm and can probably dance better than the average DWTS contestant --certainly better than her daughter does.

Better still, why not just award the medal (or whatever it is the winners get) either to Helio or to the speed-skater and call it a wrap?

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