Monday, April 25, 2011

Mommy Wants Vodka

I probably should have put the title of today's blog in quotations, because it's the title of a blog that belongs to someone else and is probably even copyrighted. I certainly don't want to be sued by the owner of the copyright, if, indeed, it is copyrighted. I could go back now and add the quotation marks, but I'm too damned lazy.

"Mommy Wants Vodka" is the title of a popular blog by a major player in the blogosphere, Becky Sherrick Harks, or Becky Harks Sherrick. I get confused about which is her maiden name and which is her married name, and haven't yet committed the mental resources necessary for me to keep it straight. At some point I may. Then again, maybe I won't, and I'll go through life totally ignorant in regard to which is her correct name. C'est la vie. I'm ignorant about things far more important than that, as I am reminded on a daily basis by relatives close and not-so-close, both physically and biologically. At least my very cloeest biological relative, my twin brother, seems to have quit (or at least to have placed himself on the injured reserve list) of the team of relatives whose dedicated purpose is to remind me on a regular basis of just how stupid, ignorant, or otherwise thorough a waste of space on the planet I am. Thanks, Matthew, for no longer being one of those people.

Becky Sherrick Harks or vice versa wrote somewhere that she had originally considered naming her blog "Mommy Wants Vicodin." I actually like that name better than the one she ultimately chose. Someday when I am a parent, I may ask her for permission to use the name. She probably won't answer me, though.

Becky Sherrick Harks (or vice versa)'s column has a feature, "Ask Aunt Becky." There's a space where readers can write questions. Somewhere I read that the questions are answered on Sundays. I wrote her a question that needed sort of a timely answer, but answers to questions on her column did not appear yeasterday. That may have been because it was a holiday. It also may have been because answers appear somewhere else and I don't know where that place is. The bottom line is that I don't know if Aunt Becky answered my question already, if she didn't get to it yet, or if she never will. Some question/answer formats are so impacted that getting an answer is a million-to-one shot. I have no idea how it works in Ms. Sherrick Harks' (or vice versa)'s case.

I'll ask people here. I get a very limited number of readers, and an even more limited number of responders. If you're ever going to respond to my column, please respond now. I really need input, and I need it in the semi-anonymous format from which I'll get it here. I can't afford to position myself in a kiosk at my local mall with a clipboard to seek opinions of passers-by. Help me! PLEASE!

My old columns allude to a prom date from last year that apparently wasn't meant to be. I was in a wheelchair with a mangled leg and a broken clavicle at the time of the prom. The guy who had invited me to the prom uninvited me, though not personally, or by phone, email, text-message, Western Union, singing telegram,smoke signal, or anything so direct. He announced it in the school cafeteria. Those who heard it, including his new prom date, actually delivered the message to me in person.

I was invited this year, but that invitation fell though, though not through the fault of the guy who invited me. I won't give any details, but I really don't blame him for the mess. Now another guy has invited me. I know nothing of his intentions. I don't know him well. I don't know if he invited me on a dare, and he's going to do a grand no-show. I don't know if it's a bet and he stands to collect tons of winnings if he shows up in public with me. I don't even know if my parents bribed him with cash to get him to ask me.

My mom tells me if I do not attend my senior prom I will one day regret it. Maybe she's right. If I do go and find out that I was somehow on the wrong end of a joke, I know I'll regret it a lot longer and harder. My brother says he'll kill anyone who sets me up in any way, but that won't undo any of the actual public humiliation.

There are people I could trust to ask this, but they're dealing with issues in their own lives right now, so I can't bother them with my petty problems. I could make myself sick and not have to go, but if the invitation happened to be for real, that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

As realistically and objectively as I can, I'll try to describe my own social schema. I'm a very nerdy girl. I don't think others see me as ugly, but I'm small and underdeveloped. I'm an academic overachiever. Generally speaking, I'm not picked on or targeted by bullies. I was once physically assaulted, but it was in response to a situation where a person was punished for stealing a paper I wrote; he and his friends retaliated against me. The instance was isolated and not ongoing. I really don't think what happened to me falls under the umbrella of bullying.

I'm sixteen, but I'm finishing high school this year, so it's my final shot at my own prom as a high school student. There is life after high school, so I know that I'm not doomed to a life of complete failure if I miss this prom. Still, I want to make the best decision. If I were in possession of a crystal ball, the decision would be an easier one to make.
All I have, however, are an invitation that at face value seems a bit suspicious, my mom's insistence that everyone who's anyone at all goes to her senior prom, and a gut feeling that something here might not be on the level.

People who don't usually respond, please respond. The more opinions I have to bounce around, the more educated my final decision will be. If you are not yet a high school senior, you will oneday be one, and may find yourself in a similar situation. If you were once a high school senior, have a little compassion and give me your opinion even if you don't normally bother with such things.



  1. Lexus,
    Jillian is sick, but you know you can always talk to me, and I always have time for you. If it's not a good time, I'll always tell you that I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I've never let you down before.

    About this boy, you need to call me and tell me more about him so I can know who he is and what might be his motivation. Is he the captain of the football team, or is he a boy who has insecurities just like you do whose feelings are going to be hurt if you say no? Keep in mind that, assuming it's not a big joke or a dare, that it's hard to get up the nerve to ask a girl out. You may think you're nerdy and unattractive, but many boys at your school feel otherwise.

    The best advice I can give to you is to put the spies in your life, the ones who have worked against you mostly up to this point, to work in your favor now. Between your mom's friends who are always getting you into trouble by reporting on every little thing you say and do, and your brother's friends, there exists out there a wealth of informants. Put them to use. then, when all is said and done, give the guy the benefit of the doubt if you don't have clear information that you shouldn't. You're not agreeing to marry him, You've just been asked to go to the prom with him.

    You're right that it would probably be little consolation after the fact if the guy were, against the odds, up to some scheme designed to publicly humiliate you, but if such were the case, he's need to be looking over his shoulder for bother your brohter and for me. We've both got your back.
    Uncle Scott
    P. S. If he happens to be a baseball player, he has Uncle Steve to worry about as well. If he's on the track team and pulls anything funny, your track coach will make his life miserable.

  2. You are pathetic. Either the person who invited you to the prom is pathetic too or the joke is on you. Take your pick. Neither pick is all that great, is it? Take the money you would have spent on prom expenses and donate it to a worthy cause. You will still be pathetic but money will not have been wasted.

  3. And yoy are wrong. You ARE ugly.

  4. I don't know much about high school, and I'm sorry that I'm not of any more help. I think, as a lot of things come down to in life, if your gut’s telling you something isn't right, than it probably isn't. But, Scott's right. You should use your resources to your advantage to make sure intentions aren't pure before you bow out. Sorry I can't really help you, more. Good luck with your decision.

  5. Anonymous,
    If you are one of Alexis' Mormon relatives, you are being such a great example of the principals of the religion. I am not Mormon, but I’m pretty sure they don’t encourage petty name calling and harassment. If you don’t like Alexis, don’t read her blog. I’m sure she won’t miss you that much.

  6. She's looking for advice, not ignorant and hateful lurkers with obvious self-esteem issues with nothing worthwhile to contribute to the universe. Having a daughter with a similar name, I would ask if you (not just your mom) want to attend the prom. I would agree with your uncle about finding out more about this guy since you feel like something is off. Sorry, I haven't read enough of your blog yet to answer this myself, but is there a group of friends you could go with instead to keep it casual instead of pairing off, or have you been feeling more of an mormon-like ostracizing? Realize that no matter how you picture it in your head, it won't go either completely perfect, or the other end of the spectrum like the movie Carrie. There are haters everywhere (they're just more mouthy in high school due to immaturity and lack of seeing more of the world around them) and if you choose to go, remember that you can't control others, just your responses and feelings. If you choose not to go, don't dwell on it and do something you enjoy. If you go, get the best revenge by having the best time you can. Don't let others stop you from living the great life you will have and deserve.
    A momma that has lived this herself and come out of the fire with less negative people to talk and deal with and some jealous haters!

  7. Dear Uncle Scott, Becca, and Anonymous #3,
    Thank you so much for your sincere responses. I'm carefully considering every point each of you has mentioned. To all three sincere responders, spies at multiple levels are investigating. Uncle Scott, in response to your question as to whether he's the captain of the football team or someone with more typical insecurities such as those I face, the answer lies between the two extremes. Anonymous #3, I wish it were a more viable option to go as part of a group, but it isn't something typically done here (even the tickets are sold in pairs to couples), which is not to say I absolutely couldn't try to arrange attendance in a less standard form, but after last year's fiasco, I just don't feel up to being a pioneer or blazing any new trails in this regard. Someone needs to do just that, but it's a cause I cannot champion at this time. Also in response to anonymous #3, I DO want to go to the prom - probably not as much as my mom wants me to go, but I do want to go, just the same. For what it's worth, her desire for me to attend has more to do, I suspect, with the fiasco of last year's prom opportunity falling out from under me than with any missed opportunities from her own high school days. My aunt told me my mom attended her own proms her junior and senior years without incident.

    Thanks for the defense against my boorish relatives. Most of what they say passes by me as though a person with a diagnosed severe mental health disorder(I'm not conceding that the person who wrote it does not possess a severe mental health disorder - I'm just not yet aware of any official diagnosis)said it, but I admit that it hurts my feelings to be called ugly. It is probably stupid of me to admit to being hurt where the person who wrote it can read it, but he already knew it hurt my feelings when he wrote it.

    Thank for the advice. I'll need to make a decision in a few days.

  8. Anon 8.40 Have you considered that the reason you need to remain anonymous is because the rest of your family would hate you if they knew the nasty, vile things you are putting on Alexis' blog?

    Actually, the truth is most members of your family already hate you. If you showed them the cruel, vile comments you made on Alexis' blog, it would merely give your family members a reason to quantify their hatred for you. Or they might turn a mild dislike for you in to an incandescent hatred. Go on. Show them what you have done. And see what their reaction to you is.

  9. Alexis, after I accidentally gave someone advice that made them form a relationship with someone who turned out to be a little bit inappropriate, I tend not to offer advice on relationship matters, any more!

    However, ask around about this chap, see what kind of a person he is. He might be the kind of man who wants intellectual substance to go with physical prettiness.

  10. Alexis, I hope you don't take the mean comments to heart. High school sucks. People are mean, you're just growing into yourself, and it can feel overwhelming. You are a VERY talented and funny writer. And I don't know you in person -- so I can't speak directly to your looks -- but it's so clear how appealing you are. Hang in there. IT GETS BETTER.