Sunday, June 16, 2013

depression by any other name, though my mom says it's situational rather than clinical depression, whatever the hell difference that makes

I've never been a huge Carpenters' fan, although I think Karen's voice was lovely. I wasn't around when this song came out,or, for that matter, when Karen Carpenter was alive, but the song  suits my state of mind right now.

Does the course of true love ever run straight and smoothly? For that matter, does the course of true like  ever run without all sorts of twists, rapids, and hidden and unexpected drop-offs?  I'm not sure where my relationship with Jared falls  I would have said somewhere between like and love, which I believe is a song title, but it wasn't a song I especially wanted to hear tonight, since I'm less certain of our relationship than I was before the evening began.

The weeks finals have taken their toll on me, and I haven't been up to doing much of anything since Wednesday evening. nevertheless, I dragged myself out of bed, showered, put on actual clothing, and dried and straightened my hair, as Jared has never seen me with curls, and I wasn't ready for a total freak-out on his part. I may as well have stayed in bed and slept, which is what I felt more like doing anyway, as he did a complete no-show.  Also a no-call, no-explanation, and no apology, I might add.  I would not have minded so much had I not gotten out of bed and made myself presentable when it was the last thing I actually felt like doing, but I did it anyway because it was a previous obligation.  s of this morning when we spoke briefly on the phone, his visit was still on.

My mother says that I need to do two things. The first, she says, is to give Jared a bit of a break, as he's going through all sorts of emotional struggles at the moment, with his father still not speaking to him, his parents' marriage still suffering a bit as a result, and the only religion he's ever known somewhat turning its back on him. She also says I need not to put too many of my eggs in Jared's basket, so to speak. I should not allow him to think he owns me or that I can't find anyone else to date if he stands me up or otherwise flakes out on me. Time will tell, my mother says, whether or not Jared is decent long-term relationship material, but at this point in time he has shown himself to be  more than a little flaky. She says the two of us have all the time in the world to sort that out, but that by limiting myself to dating him, I'm giving him the idea that I have no other options, and it's not a good thing for him to think, whether he has my name tattooed on his arm or not.

What my mom is ignoring is that the boys who are my age or older are just graduating from high school. They'll hit the university campus in the fall, but even when they do, I'll still look a bit like jail bait to them.  I don't need to get too heavily involved with anyone right at this moment, as medical school (ideally) or law school (if medical school doesn't work out or if I chicken out at the last minute) will happen in just over a year most likely. Between that, I have relatively few difficult courses but two different senior recitals on which to concentrate. A serious relationship that makes concentrating on my recitals and makes it tough to leave town to attend whatever program I end up in will not be an asset to my future. Still, I need someone with whom I can attend an occasional event, or just to hang out with so  I don't turn into a hermit.

Freshman boys, bring it on!  I'm waiting.


  1. LOL... when I was a teenager, I used to listen to that Carpenters song, too. I ripped off my dad's cassette tape of it. It's actually from a pretty decent album, except for the songs Richard sings.

    When I was your age, I had a boyfriend who drove me a little nuts by being too clingy. He was a great guy and we're still friends today, albeit only on Facebook because he moved to the west coast. But I remember he was the cause of a lot of angst at the time and I know I caused him some angst, too.

    I think your mom is right. Jared is going through a lot, as are you. Being depressed sucks, but it'll pass. Hang in there and keep your eyes on the prize. You're in kind of an odd situation anyway, being so young yet so far into college. That can't be easy for you.

  2. Your relationship with Jared, whatever that may be, doesn't seem like one that has a lot of seriousness. At least, not on his part. Boys just aren't serious until they are, it seems. Not that it's an excuse, but I think you're mom's right. Don't put too much merit into it.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I had ointment in my eyes the last time I typed this message, and I do not type entirely from touch. I can play a piano blindfolded or in a pitch-black room, but I cannot type without looking at the keys on occasion. (Back in the day, when everyone had to take typing, I would have failed the course miserably.) I usually leave message typos alone, but this one was such a pathetic effort that I will, in the name of literacy, delete it and start over from scratch.

    I think everyone is right, and Jared is just not that into me, although that notwithstanding, he could've and should've had the common courtesy to call or text. I would've understood, and even had I not, it would have been the right thing for him to have done. Not everyone does the right thing always, or even most of the time, however.

    Having one's name tattooed on a guy's arm doesn't necessarily mean any more than the fact that he does not want to go on a mission and the tattoo was the easiest way out of a mission. (I personally thought it was somewhat ingenious, and I'm not all that easily impressed.) Perhaps my name was the first thing that popped into Jared's mind in the tattoo parlour, or perhaps he thought my name in the tattoo would make even more of a statement to his father than a tatto of the American Flag, of the SF gaints' logo, of a heart with the word "Mom" through it, or, and this is particularly clever, of the Angel Moroni standing atop one of the temples sounding his valveless trumpet.(Jared should've consulte me. I could have helped him to come up with a more creative and statement-making tattoo.) I don't know, and I don't even care all that much.

    Right now I'm hoping that the woman he ends up with, and I'm assuming just because of the odds against it that her name won't coincidentally turn out to be Alexis, has a major issue with his arm bearing a tattoo with another woman's name. I'm feeling slightly spiteful at the moment, and I won't feel sorry for him when he's trying to get himself out of this particular jam. There are aspects of his life for which I do have compassion, but he's mistreated me enough times that, in terms of his love life, I hope what goes around comes around a few times for him before something eventually works out.