Friday, June 14, 2013

ASK ALEXIS: Alexis answers your questions about sex from the perspective of a person who has no practical experience but who knows how to read and uses that ability, in addition to a very slight degree of common sense, to access the Internet for answers to you questions.

The real Dr. Drew

the uneducated, inexperienced, female Dr. Drew

Author's note: These are actual questions found at various Internet sites, paraphrased to protect the guilty [ of plagiarism].  Obviously, the seriousness of the askers is open to debate.

Question # 1:

       My wife is pregnant. We do not yet know if the baby is a boy or a girl.  If the baby is a girl, is there a possibility that I could impregnate the baby while having sex with my wife?

Alexis' Answer:

The cervix in almost all cases will remain firmly closed during pregnancy, as will the junction between the cervix and the uterus. Both have been known in rare cases, due to low human chorionic gonadotropin levels, to remain open just enough to allow sperm to enter a woman's body and, again due to low HCG levels, to fertilize an ovum that normally wouldn't be present during pregnancy. This is rare, but does happen, and is known as superfetation. (I am the product of a twin conception that occurred due to superfetation.)

Your question concerning impregnating a female fetus, however, is quite another matter. I suppose if your wife happened to be carrying a fetus that was already sexually mature and your timing was just right, the impossible could happen. Moreover, what if that baby were also carying a female fetus who was also sexually mature and in her fertile phase? And what about that fetus? What if she, too, were female,  sexually mature, and she, too were nearing ovulation at the time of intercourse? You could become a great-grandfather within months of the time your original daughter was born.  Furthermore, you would be not only  Baby #3's great-grandfather, but her grandfather and father as well. Unless you have some spectacular genetics working in your favor, which your original questions clearly illustrate is not the case, you could be dealing with children who would make the Ozarks characters in Deliverance seem like creatures of Einstein-calibre intelligence. You would set new world records for consanguinity and its resulting intelligence deficits that would decimate those records previously established by the British monarchy in the 16th and 17th centuries, or the polygamous cults of the twin cities of Colorado city/Hilldale, and Eldorado Texas.

On a more serious note, have you completed, or even begun seventh grade science? Are you not aware that even when fetuses are born with more mature primary and secondary sexual characteristics than is the norm, still they are not anywhere close to capable of conceiving offspring of their own even if all other factors are ripe for such to happen, which would be a super-colossal if.

Not only should you not have sex with your wife when she is pregnant, but you should never ever have sex again for the rest of your life with anything or anyone. Do not even masturbate, on the outside chance that the by-product might somehow make its way somwhere it might cause fertilization with something or someone and create new life, if that is what it's technically called when the organism's brain,  even on the outside chance it defies  all laws of nature and is born with a  brain,  is clinically dead.  Your idiocy is of such a level that you should take no chances even with the possibility of impregnating a lizard,  although no known fertilization between the human and lizard populations has ever occurred, as should a "miracle" happen, the lizard population would soon become too stupid to survive, which would have irrevocably harmful effects on the food chain.  Your sexual activity has apparently alreday resulted in the creation of one offspring, which is one too many.  More than one offspring spawned by you could have serious repercussions on the future of the human race. I recommend castration.

Question #2:

    When masturbating with a cucumber, is it necessary to use a condom?

Alexis' Answer:

If anyone intends to eat the cucumber later, absolutely.

Note: Please submit questions so that Alexis is not forced to scour the Internet for them, unless you happen to like the Internet questions Alexis has been able to find thus far.

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