i was born with strong visual and auditory memory. That gives me certain advantages in life, but it doesn't help me to overcome everything, and it may even burden me with a few disadvantages. It didn't stop thugs from assaulting me in the bathroom; it did help me to recount everything that was said word-for-word. Part of this was verified by a 9-1-1 tape. now, the problem is that my memory makes it more difficult to get away from some of the unpleasant details. Maybe it's just as bad for anyone else who has experienced something similar. I really don't know. i had an appointment with my shrink yesterday, who suggested that my unusual memory was making things worse. I mentioned to her that on 'House" a person was unable to live a normal life becauase she couldn't forget anything. They eventually diagnosed her with OCD and gave her medicine which deactivated her remarkable memory but allowed her to live a normal life. My shrink said that was scince fiction - pure made-for-Hollywood medicine. He said if i have OCD at all, it's so minor that it's the least of my problems, and it's not the reason i have an unusual memory. My mom has a memory that functions as mine does, and my shrink said she's not noticeably OCD, either.
Speaking of memories and memorization, we're getting within weeks of opening night, and some characters still have not yet committed their lines to memory. I've picked up a few social skills in the last few years. When I was thirteen, if someone hadn't known a line and I knew what it was, I probably would have hollered it out across the stage. Now I either whisper it or somehow cue them in. If they don't learn their lines, I'll end up with far more lines than were ever written for the character of Chava just by saying things to help the others remember their lines. The other characters are appreciative of my subtle ways of helping them. Half the time the director doesn't even know it's happening. It's nice that they like me even though I'm younger than they are.
This is my final weekend with no play rehearsals. Next weekend we have a Saturday rehearsal. The following we have Saturday and Sunday rehearsals. Then it's every day or night no matter what. I'm wondering what possessed me to become involved with this production, but I hope that it will all seem worth it once the actual production begins.
My therapist was saying yesterday that we never really forget anything. She was talking about some neuro-science book that she read that equated memories to jumbled puzzle pieces that are all stored within our subconscious. Neuro-science is interesting and everything, but it's hard to take anything like that seriously when everything in essence is theory. And even still it's a depressing way to look at things.
ReplyDeleteHow do you keep yourself from recalling other memories? I know that this is tougher to recover from, because it was a trauma... have you thought about channeling it towards other things? Like taking that terrible experience and making something positive out of it? Maybe you could share your experiences with others who have gone through similar situations? Like a motivational speaker? I think that you're in an interesting place because it's almost as if you are trying to find a balance.
I hope you don't have any more nightmares and that you find something that works for you.
Alexis, at first I thought, "how terrible for Alexis!"
ReplyDeleteThen I remembered an incident from my childhood. I was about 3 and I had been playing safe -as it was thought- in our back garden.
The girl who lived next door was 14 or 15. She was known as being weird. She had grabbed me over the fence and taken me in to her house.
My grandmother heard my screams, ran round and somehow got in and rescued me.
I cannot recall what she had done to me, but from being a happy little boy I became scared of everything. Monsters in and under the bed, frightened of cupboards and wardrobes, etc.
It took me years to get over it. Not that I ever did, in truth. If I could have remembered what she had done, would it have made it better or worse? I do not think it could have made it worse, somehow.
Matt and Becca, I didn't see your comments earlier.
ReplyDeleteBecca, I don't really know what to do about it, but i agree that I should do something. At least it all went very nicely into some of my scholarship application essays, and I even won some of them.
Matt, I'm really curious as to what the girl did to you. It was certainly fortuitous that your grandmother heard your screams. My aunt's sister had a similar situation with an older neighbor boy. She told her mother that he took her pants off, but that's all she said, and the doctor couldn't confirm anything else. She says she doesn't remember anything about it. she didn't even know about it until her younger sister overheard her mother talking on the telephone to someone who had called from the D.A's office
roughly thirty years later when the neighbor guy was arrested for molesting a step-daughter.
I suspect you're better off not knowing what she did.