Tuesday, August 6, 2013

White Trash Temple Wedding Extravaganza

Eat at your own risk.

This blog will be relatively short by my standards because I have to go check out some Tom Trails videos which were popular in LDS seminary when y dad was a kid. I've never seen a filmstrip, so it will be an educational experience.

The latest on my cousin Celeste's wedding is that she and her mom tried making a practice wedding cake and it was the single biggest disaster in the history of baking. I suggested to my mom that she suggest to them that they   get one of those tiered trays that displays cupcakes beautifully and master the art of making cupcakes or mini-cupcakes. they'll need to invest in (or have Uncle Mahonri steal) a device that frosts them nicely, because they just can't take a knife and spread frosting out of a can all over cupcakes when it's supposed to look really nice.  I just don't want them dumping this project in my grandmother's lap. she's getting old, and it's too much work for her. She can maybe advise them, but they cannot dump the whole project on her. There's no one currently in Utah we can trust to make sure that my grandma doesn't get stuck with the whole project.  If that happens, she'll be exhausted and maybe even too sick to go to the wedding and reception, and she should be the guest of honor.  My dad told her NOT to do it, nd he's calling her doctor about it as well.

There's a curtain between the chapel and the cultural hall in Mormon buildings. They're going to open the curtain, and they want my mom to play the piano the whole time. That's really gracious, isn't it? Invite someone to a wedding, don't actually let her come to the wedding because she's not worthy, then expect her to play the piano through the whole reception (for free when that's essentially what she does for a living). My mom said she doesn't care, though. She'd rather play the piano than hang around the relatives, and she says she'll play whatever she wants  regardless of what the bride and groom want, because she's fairly certain based on everything else she's heard about the bridal couple that they have no taste in music just like they have no taste in anything else.  Actually, she has to take part in a faculty recital a couple of weeks later, and she'll play mostly what she's playing for that, plus whatever pops into her head. She has a good memory just like my dad and I do. She doesn't need to bring music with her.

This LDS chapel supposedly has a nice Kawai piano, and my dad will tune it right before. My mom said it would be hysterical to have the curtain partly closed, to have me be the one playing the music, to have them all commenting on how beautiful the music is, and then to open the curtain all the way and show them that it's the Anti-Christ Child actually playing and not my mom, but that's not going to happen because I'm not going. My mom knows this; she was just speaking hypothetically.

I feel sorry for the people who attend this soiree, because if the people in charge don't take my advice and bake cupcakes, chances are the wedding cake WILL fall on the floor. The slobs making it will scrape it off the floor, re-frost it the best they can, and serve it to the guests using the five-minute rule. The five-second rule would be bad enough, but allowing people to eat cake that's been sitting on the floor of a building that is NEVER professionally cleaned (LDS Inc. makes the proletariat clean the buildings on a "volunteer" basis) sounds like a case of salmonella, e coli, or worse just waiting to happen.

Gotta check out Tommy Trails and practice a little more piano and violin. Ciao.


Somehow, even though certain specifics of the song aren't particularly pertinent, it fits. By the time the bride's father is dressing in black  and stealing neighbors' flowers in the dead of night in a completely futil attempt to dishuise basketball hoops, and the weding cake has been scraped off the floor AT LEAST once, the event is pretty white-trashy. This is the Dixie Chicks performing "White Trash Wedding."  Someone really clever shoud come up with a "White Trash Temple Wedding"  version of the song. Maybe the Osmonds, The King Family descendants, or even the Three Dees if they're stilll alive, could record it.

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