Some things that Mormons say or do out them to just about everyone around. Let's take coffee, for example, and no, I don't mean that Mormons out themselves as Mormons by abstaining from it. Lots of Mormons do abstain from coffee, but a substantial number don't. It's how they don't abstain that blows their cover. They drive to Starbucks in the hours when not too many people should be there so that they shouldn't have to wait too long in the drive-through lane. This greatly reduces the chances of anyone spotting and possibly outing them there. And they certainly don't walk into the place. Unless they're extra bold, that is, and it's December. If it's December they can say they they're getting gift cards for their children's teachers, or their grandchildren's teachers, or their pets' obedience school teachers, or, if they're actually spotted with the contraband in hand, they're purchasing actual coffee for the aforementioned teachers. If this is taken at face value, the the teachers of Mormon children, grandchildren, pets, et al must be either the most lethargic creatures on the planet -- thus in need of coffee -- or the most hopped up teachers in the system from drinking all that free coffee, hand-delivered, no less. We know these things are not true, however. We know exactly who really drinks the coffee.
Another way Mormons out themselves as such is how they react to the mere mention of the name Mitt Romney. While many Republicans may dislike Barack Obama even more, few honestly like Romney. When his names is spoken in the presence of even the average Republican, you'll notice, at the very least, a slight grimace. When November rolls around, most of those Republicans will plug their noses and vote for him, but it will cause them pain to do so . . . unless they happen to be Mormons. The Mormon women will sigh or gush whenever the name Mitt Romney is spoken, almost as though they're twelve yeatrs old and Romney is Justin Bieber.. The men of the fold will wish they were Mitt Romney. The women will wish they were Ann Romney. (Me? Hell, I just wish I had Ann Romney's petty cash fund.) Often they'll go so far as to refer to him as "Brother Romney" or "President Romney." Incidentally, the Mormons referring to Mitt as "President Romney" are not displaying optimism that Romney will be elected by prematurely bestowing upon him the title of president. The honor of the title is graced upon him because he was once (drum roll here) /!/1/!/!/!/!/!/!/1/!/! STAKE PRESIDENT! "What the hell does that mean?" you might ask yourself if you're not Mormon. It means that he got to bully a few thousand other Mormons for several years, leaning on them to put their babies up for adoption if they were unwed mothers, or denying them the opportunity to attend their children's weddings if they didn't pay a large enough portion of their earnings to the LDS church. Out of respect and thanks for these kind deeds, they'll refer to the man as "President Romney" for the rest of his life. Someday some ultra-talented Mormon, probably Senator Orrin Hatch if he lives long enough, may even compose a hymn about Romney. [Note: Italics were used in this case to denote irony. The hymn will almost certainly suck like a Hoover.]
A few Mormons, a very small minority, will decline to support Romney. These non-lock-stepping individuals know they can do what they want in the voting booth, though they'll pay a price if they're too vocal about it. One reason for their disenfranchisement with their church's golden boy is his miraculous transformation to holding political stances that jibe with his church's beliefs now that he needs the conservative Republicans to embrace him in his presidential bid, as opposed to when he needed to appeal to a more liberal base as Governor of Massachusetts. Another reason is his overall creativity with the truth and his apparent comfort with the practice of lying. Etch -a-sketches and flip-flopping aside, some Mormons see through what they perceive as a facade in much the same way as I do.
As much as I'd like to pontificate on my whimsical outlook on the faith of nearly half of my extended family, one-handed typing is an arduous task. I'll continue the next time I'm feeling especially verbose.