My primary therapist here at the loony bin says I have major issues with rejection. The way things are set up here, I have one primary therapist who is a psychologist (Ph.D.), one primary psychiatrist (M.D.) and one psychological intern, who is doing his final internship for his PhD. Normally I would see my own therapist most frequently in official sessions (3-4 per week), see the intern an additional twice a week, and see the psychiatrist maybe once a week. Additionally, I would deal with other therapists and interns in group sessions or if situations arose when my regular practitioners were not on duty. The only real way in which my situation differs from the norm is that, because my psychiatrist is a friend of my dad's, I interact with him almost every day, though not always in the form of official exams and/or threapy sessions.
This morning I had a session with my regular psychologist. I wasn't totally ranting about it, but I mentioned that on a website I visit frequently, a comment I made was deleted or somehow disappeared and that it made me very angry. The comment later reappeared, so I was no longer angry. I have no idea if it was a technical glitch that cause the comment not to be there, or if it was a deliberate act by a moderator. I understand that technical errors occur, but if I am deleted for no good reason, I take it very personally.
My therpist says it's because I have serious issues with rejection with which I need to deal. She says it's probably as a result of my early relationship with my mom, who blatantly favored my brother over me until I was about six, when she was able to recognize it as a problem and do something about it. She says also that it was made worse over the prom date break-off from a year ago. She says that if I don't deal with my issues, I'll become the sort of person who totally falls apart and can't function if a guy takes my number and says he'll call, then doesn't, or that if someone with whom I'm in a serious relationship breaks it off, I'll become practically suicidal.
I'm not sure how much I agree with her assessment. I considered myself 100% over and moved on from the prom incident. I've been to two proms since then, and I consider the case closed. She said it's not that simple -- that I can say I'm over it, but if it makes me think two hundred times before accepting another date, I'm not as over it as I think. I think it's a crazy world out there and one must be cautious before agreeing to go anywhere alone with anyone one doesn't know well. In some ways it's a non-issue, because as a sixteen-year-old, my parents won't allow me to single date, so I'm not going alone anywhere with anyone anytime soon. The therapist says I still need to deal with it, because time will pass sooner than I think, and then I'll be eighteen and have the right to single date.
I'm still mulling over that.
Regarding issues with my mom, I asked my therapist what she thought I should do to resolve the situation. She didn't have any great solutions except that I should write a letter to my mom detailing my feelings, which I could then choose to give to her or to destroy. I told her that my mom already feels guilty about what happened, so why should I add to her guilt by rehashing things? She said that wasn't my real reason for avoiding the topic. She said I'm afraid of upsetting her and being rejected all over again. I think she's wrong.
I won't complain about her, per se, to my psychiatrist, who is the King of the Loony Bin (I wonder if inflates a person's ego to be the boss of a bunch of crazy people and those who directly supervise them) because I honestly think she's doing what she thinks is her job, but sometimes she has to make highly subjective interpretations, and I think she's wrong about this. I will seek out his opinion, though, under the condition that he say nothing to her about it. She'll be guarded to the point that she's totally ineffective with me if she thinks I'm sharing everything she says with her boss. I'm not saying early rejection from my mother didn't contribute to my situation, but I don't think writing my mom a letter, even if I tear it up before mailing it to her, will help anything. I know what my thoughts are on the matter. i don't need to put them on paper to know what they are. to me it would feel ridiculous to write a letter that I know I'm going to destroy. It would be different if I really needed to sort out my relationship with my mother, but we've done the counseling thing to death. There's nothing more to be analyzed.
Still, I understand to some degree where my therapist is coming from. I just don't agree with every aspect of her interpretation, nor do I agree with her take on how best to address the problem. On the other hand, I don't want to become a person who loses it because I guy no-shows for a date, or even if someone leaves me at the church by myself because he fails to appear for our wedding. I'd like to think I could deal with it if something like that happened. My therapist would say that the very idea that I'm considering being stood up at my own wedding indicates I have a problem with fear of rejection.
It's so complicated.