Friday, January 3, 2014

Utah County and Utah in General: What's Not to Love?

shades of blonde

I'm developing a semi-serious case of Utah-itis. I love coming here because I love the people with whom I've traveled and whom I'm visiting. I would love skiing and snowboarding if I could do either (I'll be back in a month, when I WILL snowboard). I love my grandmother, whom I will see on Saturday. The overall  way of life here, however, gives me a whopping case of cognitive dissonance.

I went to Target today to purchase provisions for the pseudos' pantry and refrigerator. I did not set out to do so, but I happened to catch a glimpse of the hair color section in the store. I've discussed Utah County hair color sections in its big box stores in greater depth in an earlier blog, so I won't go into great detail here. Suffice it to say that one will find the most subtle nuances in blonde shades of hair color (Is there any color of hair other than blonde, anyway? Why would anyone intentionally color his or her hair anything other than blond? Such is most definitely the prevailing mentality in Utah County) of anywhere else in the nation with the possible exception of parts of North Dakota or Minnesota. In Utah County's big box store hair color sections, one might find  French Vanilla Blonde, Peach Souffle Blonde, Morning Light Blonde, Baby Powder Blonde, Sugar Cookie Blonde, Moonlight  Blonde, Eggshell Blonde, Butter Pecan Blonde, Icicle Blonde, Banana Cream Blonde, Sunflower Blonde, Coconut Blonde, Snow Blonde, Ice Lemonade  Blonde, Anemic Platinum Blonde, and Lobotomy Blonde, to name just a few.

The culture in this state, and in this county of the state in particular,  is so pervasively Mormon-centric to comprise a definitive subculture. I propose that the local media outlets or BYU TV should remake some of the current or past TV programs, giving them a Utah flavor and, hence, local relevance.

The Voice: Utah Style  would be a reality show in which the grand prize would be a higly coveted position in the 360-member Mormon Tabernacle Choir without the necessity of first doing purgatory  in the Temple Square Chorale.

The Sopranos could be either a reality show or a fictionalized drama about the warring divas of the MoTab as they compete for camera time, for solos, and for Mack Wilberg's attention. Spin-offs might include The Altos, The Tenors, and The Basses, but  none of the spin-offs would be prime-time material. Sopranos are typically the biggest divas with the biggest boobs.

Say Yes to the Dress in Utah would show prospective brides as they decide upon and purchase beautiful wedding gowns, only to go into complete melt-down mode when temple matrons descend upon the scene with garments, sleeve and neck inserts, and accessories including fig aprons  to make the gowns from the Whores of Babylon suitable for temple use.

Iron Chef Utah would feature the same not-so-secret ingredient each week: jello.

Utah's version of Throwdown would feature Bobby Flay challenging the Relief Society Presidents of the various wards and stakes of Zion in such local culinary fare as funeral potatoes.

Law and Orderville would zoom in upon crime in Orderville and in the surrounding booming metropoli of Parowan, Beaver, and Kanab.

Orange Is the New Black would be a reality show about the day-to-day behind-bars life of FLDS prophet Warren Jeffs, now serving consecutive life and ten-year sentences in a Texas penitentiary.

The Secret Life of the Utah Teenager would depict the life of a fictitious Utah adolescent going about such activities as skipping out on seminary classes, keeping a coffee maker and his personal stash of coffee in the family's food storage cellar, and diverting money earned from his paper route away from his family's communal mission fund in order to pay for condoms so that he might avoid knocking up the general authority's daughter that he is boinking.

That 70's Show would highlight the politics of the LDS church's First  Quorum of the Seventy, an ambitious if geriatric group of sanctimonious cutthroat bureaucrats jockeying for promotion to The Quorum of Twelve Apostles.

The Bishop's Court would feature either live telecasts or dramatized versions of the infamous LDS courts of love whereby  members of the flock face possible disfellowshipment or excommunication for crimes ranging from apostacy to adultery to embezzlement to losing the bulk of one's bishop's retirement fund in a multi-level marketing scheme. (Credit for this variation of The People's Court goes to

Straight Eye for the Queer Guy would show LDS-sanctioned fashion and behavior consultants helping their heterosexuality-challenged brethren develop clothing styles,modes of speech,  and mannerisms which would allow them to "pass" in the homophobically straight culture of Utah County.

My Big Fat American Fork Wedding might feature a weekly redacted temple ceremony in the Mount Timpanogos Temple, followed by a potluck reception (complete with seventeen varieties of jello) held in the any one of American Fork's approximately two hundred local ward cultural halls, complete with creative disguises of basketball hoops.

The Big Bang Theory would be a failed hypothesis because everyone knows the Earth is only six-thousand years old.

My Teen Is Pregnant and So Am I  would be the two-months-later sequel to any standard wedding show in filmed virtually anywhere in Utah other than Moab or Park City, and consequently would have extremely low ratings because the content would be banal to the point of boring the viewers.

I could go on and on, but I won't.


  1. LOL… Alexis you are hysterical. I'd like to try the Lobotomy Blonde shade and be on My Teen Is Pregnant and So Am I.

  2. Very funny, but you missed out on a show that would focus on My New Pyramid Scheme and how you can make a fortune ripping off your fellow church members. Or maybe a show that focuses on living the law on Sunday but business is business on Monday.

  3. Jim, those are both most worthwhile ideas.

    I think my uncle mentioned also that I forgot to mention "Keeping Up with the Kingstons."

    A polygamous Brady bunch-type show would be good., too. Perhaps this one should focus on the inherent zany humor in blending a family when Warren has kicked a woman's husband out of the compound and taken the wife and kids for himself.

    Also. some sort of High Rollers gambling show should be in the works. Instead of gambling with money, couples who are also related by blood, which is basically all of the polygs in most given compounds, would be provided with genetic counseling after dNA testing. They would then decide whether or not they wanted to roll the fertility dice, so to speak. If they answered yes and "rolled the dice," the show would do a follow-up a couple of years later to see if the children were born fumarase deficient or with any of the other pervasive birth defects common to the inbred populations of the polygamous compounds.