Literal Biblical Interpretations: Davey and Goliath, Claymation, Gumby, Pokey, Mr. Bill, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Pat Boone, Texas Fundie Nutcases, and Same-Sex Weddings

My dad took me to IHOP at my request tonight, and didn't complain when I was only able to finish about six bites of my meal. I don't know what Mum threatened him with, but it must have been potent. Then again, perhaps his previously nonexistent  conscience finally kicked in.

On an unrelated note, I have a friend who has worked and continues to some degreee to work in the entertainment industry. He now proposes new shows and participates in filming and/or producing pilots. I don't know if any of the newly proposed shows have come to fruition. I haven't a clue as to how the timelines work where such things are concerned.

Along those lines, I propose some sort of remake or update of the 60's Lutheran-produced children's program Davey and Goliath. I'm not certain as to what direction or angle the update or remake should take. Maybe the claymated version of  Emma Stone (who portrayed Billie Jean King in The Battle of the Sexes -- the real Emma Stone -- not the claymated version) could be Davey's girlfriend. Or maybe Billie Jean King herself can be Davey's girlfriend or concubine. Billie Jean already looks a bit claymated. (Sorry Billie Jean, and if I live as long as you have lived, chances are that I won't look as good as you do now.) Despite the excessive with-no-attempt-whatsoever-to -camouflage unabashed push for Biblical morality, the show was pretty damned terrific as originally done. 

I, for one, would not upgrade the animation. Claymation was as about as consummate as animation ever got or ever likely will get, and I'm not sure why anyone would choose to "improve" Davey and Goliath with today's technological animation advances.

Perhaps, trite as this sounds, one upgrade angle could involve including  other claymation characters, including but not limited to Gumby, Pokey, or Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live.  (Let's keep the Godawful California Raisins out of it, however; even tackiness has its limits, or at least should.) These characters could take on traits of Biblical characters, or perhaps not. Maybe Mr. Bill helping the mother who couldn't find her diaper pin or tape for the disposable diaper or whatever it was she was missing when diapering her baby and decided to help out with the staple gun would go right along with Abraham being told be God to sacrifice Isaac. 

Please note that I have lost no fervor toward my resolve to be a more devout follower of Christ. I'm merely suggesting that not every single word or story in the Holy Book was necessarily placed there with what would have been or be best for humanity in mind. The Abraham/Isaac story was a classic a disaster waiting to happen. Mental illness existed in Biblical times. Surely had Yahweh been dictating or writing the entirety of His or Her own story, He or She would have considered that such a passage as that one might easily have been miscontrued, ending up with, hypothetically, some psycho fundo father in Texas encouraging his clinically mentally ill Haldol-withdrawing  wife to reproduce as often as was physically possible, then to homeschool her too many children, ultimately resulting in her drowing them consecutively in the family bathtub. 

Anyway, Biblical characters could be claymatized  -- I recommend Samson and Delilah, or perhaps little Zaccheus and his sycamore tree (I confess to not having read that part of the Bible; was it really a sycamore tree into which little Zaccheus climbed, or was it some random tree but "sycamore" was inserted into the song because it scanned better than did "pear tree" or "holly tree')  -- but the characters in the remake need not be limited to those featured in the Bible or even in the Book of Mormon.  Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump would make excellent updated claymated  inclusions, as perhaps would  Kellyanne Conway, Camilla Parker-Bowles, or perhaps even Pope Francis.

And about the "A Mighty Fortress" trumpet theme; do we stick with it as the iconic Lutheran theme, or are Lutherans so schismed- out by now that not even they remember that "A Might Fortress" is or ever was their iconic theme? And should we choose to stick with it, do we retain the trumpet version, or go with a heavy metal guitar rendition, or even have Kanye West come up with a rap interpretation (that would surely suck; if rap is the selected genre, an artist with more talent than Kanye West would be required)? 

Or do we go with one of those modern Christian anthems - 10,000 Reasons or something of that genre, maybe done in grunge rock style? Perhaps Pat Boone's claymated incarnation could perform it. But would that be before or after the claymated creations of Pat and his son-in-law Gabri Ferrer (son of the late great Rosemary Clooney and lawfully-wedded spouse of Pat's daughter Debby Boone of one-hit-wonder "You Light Up My Life" fame) went to battle with slingshots or swords or other primitive weapons over theclaymated Pat Boone's objections to the claymated ordained Episcopal Priest Gabri Ferrer's willingness to officiate at same-sex wedding ceremonies?

I won't even go into how different the tragedy of Pat Boone's grandson Ryan Corbin's traumatic brain injury that occurred as a result of having fallen through a roof skylight might have resolved in a  dramatically different manner with claymation in the mix, because a body made of clay would tolerate the effects of such a fall with much less trauma than would the standard human body. Whoever it was (besides Yahweh, who in some way had a hand in forming everything and everyone, though His or Her influence would surely have a less direct impact where claymation was and is concerned: Yahweh created humans, who then created claymation) who formed Gumby, Pokey, Davey, Goliath, Mr. Bill, and the rest could simply have reshaped the young victim Mr. Corbin into his original image, or perhaps into an image even more perfect than had been the original. I won't go there, though, because doing such might be perceived as being tasteless. The very last thing I would ever wish to be perceived be would be to be tasteless.

Damn it, I really hope I can get off Prednisone soon. This excessive wakefulness cannot lead to good things.