Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Either the Walking Pneumonia or the Augmentin is Going to KILL Me

These are gonorrhea-resistant condoms, which have absolutely nothing to do with the price of tea in China except that if they cause one's naughty bulbous parts to fell anything like Augmentin has made my digestive system feel, I would prefer to take my chances with gonorrhea.


Whoever coined the expression, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger,"  first of all had it backward.  It's more like "What doesn't make you stronger will kill you. " Secondly, I'm pretty sure the person who first uttered the words had antibiotics in general and Augmentin in particular on the brain when the immortal statement was made.

The whole principal behind antibiotics is that the bacteria wreaking havoc with one's body cannot be destroyed without also causing major damage to parts of one's body that, heretofore, were managing just fine on their own. Life and health are about sacrifice. If a person wants to rid herself of walking pneumonia, she apparently must give up  a functioning gastric system that was, in all honesty, functioning marginally in the first place.

I'm almost back to "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again" and bequeathing all my worldly possessions to my loved ones. I won't get in to my entire last will and testament here, but Meredith gets my piano -- the one in my bedroom at home that was given to me by my Godparents. My mom can have my expensive violin. Megan gets the economy violin. Caitlin gets the viola.  Alyssa gets my digital piano. Matthew can have the cello. Note to Matthew: it's OK to sell the cello if you don't want to keep it, but don't take less than 17 grand for it. It's worth more. Scott gets my Beatles, Bach,  Mozart, and Billy Joel  lithographs. Celinda gets all of my notes and study materials as long as she shares them with Jake. If celinda's little sister sophronia goes into medicine, she gets all my scrubs, my stehoscope, and other supplies.To Knotty I bequeath my status as a half-Mormon, not that she would want it. Jono gets access to my extensive  kazoo set, which probably should be sterilzed before use,  Oz Doc gets my Judith Durham recordings. Rebecca gets my color-coordinated comforters, sheets, and rugs. jillian gets my running shoes. Baby Andrew and Baby Camille can share my Suzuki violin books. La Perla gets my lithograph of  Jerry Garcia.  To Matt from the UK I bequeath any remaining codeine cough syrup in my medicine cabinet.  To Judge Alex I bequeath my continued resolve to never, ever roll my eyes again even after death.  To Donna Banta I bequeath my scripture combination autograohed by the one and only Paul H. Dunn. (It makes great kindling.)Dad can have everything else, although I'm not sure what is left that is worth having. If anyone I have omitted wants something, it's all in my closets -- one at my parents' home and one in the condo. Help yourself to the contents. You would be doing my parents a favor. If anyone around the age of thirteen wants my clothing, it will probably fit.

Without going into enough detail to make anyone who reads this as sick as I am, I tasted the In 'N Out Burger twice. I didn't enjoy it nearly as much the second time.

The person who invents an antibiotic that kills walking pneumonia without killing the patient in the process will be most deserving of a Nobel Prize.

I must now adjourn to once again pay homage to the porcelain god.

 


                                   less cheesy than the MoTab, but still morbid, nonetheless

12 comments:

  1. Baby Lexus,
    Did you include the condom picture for shock value or just to add color? Carrickfergus is a step above the MoTab, but it's about an old lady yearning to return to her home village in Ireland to die. You're not old, you're not from an isolated village in Ireland, and you're not dying.

    Unless a sputum culture has been run, indicating a specific need for Augmentin, call your doctor and ask for Ampicillin. It will still run through your digestive tract like Secretariat, but you at least won't be prokectile vomiting every hour on the hour.
    SCOTT

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I changed my password, so you cannot hack my blog again unless you're a hell of a lot smarter than I think you are

      Delete
    2. Knotty, I just thought of this, butm in the event of my demise, you can also have my inflatable punching bag with /donald Trump's face onit.

      Delete
    3. As long as you don't offer me an inflatable butt plug.

      Delete
  2. I am honored to be remembered! I was out in the sticks on a 116 degree day. We had a chia head of Jerry Garcia with a full head of chia sprouts. We heard the news that Jerry died and we watched the chia shrivel in the heat. I wasn't such a Dead head, but went to my share of concerts. My current obsession:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGS7SpI7obY

    Have tickets for next week! La Perla (which is a bar in Mexico not an underwear brand.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm envious.

      In Year 2 of med school, they sent all of us to different concerts to broaden our cultural horizons. Guess where they sent me? To Celtic Thunder, for crying out loud! I'm half Irish, with recent Irish ancestors. (My grandma came over as a teen.)I personally know a few of them, have been listening to Celtic music my entire life, my mom performed briefly with Celtic Woman when one of the regulars was out on maternity/childrearing leave, and I did Irish dance competitively for a couple of years after my parents banned me from gymnastics. I liked the concert, but but it did nothing to broaden my cultural awareness.

      Delete
  3. I .too. am flattered to be remembered. I haven’t responded to your post recently as I am in MY 4th week of antibiotics for a bronchial superinfeyand in view of your compromised immune system didn’t want to risk cross contamination.

    Your collection need serious updating. are you sure the Judith Durham doesn’t belong to your Dad! I’ll take Tim Minchin instead.

    Seriously, get better quick. Today is my first day not coughing up khaki coloured gunge and listening to the noises in my lungs as I exhale.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the Judith Durham stuff might have belonged to my mom, but I somehow inherited it. We in my family are not tremendous respecters of the
      property of other members of the immediate family. If I succumb in the near future, I'll see to it that any Tim Minchin collections of my dad's are mixed in with my stuff, and they'll all be yours.

      Feel better Physician, heal thyself!

      Delete
  4. Your kazoos? I am indeed honored! I will put them in my harmonica holder and with my guitar will take to the road and finally become a great musical success. At least I have waited to comment to be sure you would live. I have heard that when crying I am not a pretty sight. Or when I'm not crying. As a former medical lab tech I stay away from antibiotics unless I really need them. The good thing is that my clumsiness enables me to replenish my digestive flora and fauna as I eat dirt more often than I plan. Get and stay well, please.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Other than a brief croup setback, I'm getting there. And they'r GOOD kazoos, by the way.

      Delete

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