Either the Walking Pneumonia or the Augmentin is Going to KILL Me

These are gonorrhea-resistant condoms, which have absolutely nothing to do with the price of tea in China except that if they cause one's naughty bulbous parts to fell anything like Augmentin has made my digestive system feel, I would prefer to take my chances with gonorrhea.

Whoever coined the expression, "That which does not kill you makes you stronger,"  first of all had it backward.  It's more like "What doesn't make you stronger will kill you. " Secondly, I'm pretty sure the person who first uttered the words had antibiotics in general and Augmentin in particular on the brain when the immortal statement was made.

The whole principal behind antibiotics is that the bacteria wreaking havoc with one's body cannot be destroyed without also causing major damage to parts of one's body that, heretofore, were managing just fine on their own. Life and health are about sacrifice. If a person wants to rid herself of walking pneumonia, she apparently must give up  a functioning gastric system that was, in all honesty, functioning marginally in the first place.

I'm almost back to "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again" and bequeathing all my worldly possessions to my loved ones. I won't get in to my entire last will and testament here, but Meredith gets my piano -- the one in my bedroom at home that was given to me by my Godparents. My mom can have my expensive violin. Megan gets the economy violin. Caitlin gets the viola.  Alyssa gets my digital piano. Matthew can have the cello. Note to Matthew: it's OK to sell the cello if you don't want to keep it, but don't take less than 17 grand for it. It's worth more. Scott gets my Beatles, Bach,  Mozart, and Billy Joel  lithographs. Celinda gets all of my notes and study materials as long as she shares them with Jake. If celinda's little sister sophronia goes into medicine, she gets all my scrubs, my stehoscope, and other supplies.To Knotty I bequeath my status as a half-Mormon, not that she would want it. Jono gets access to my extensive  kazoo set, which probably should be sterilzed before use,  Oz Doc gets my Judith Durham recordings. Rebecca gets my color-coordinated comforters, sheets, and rugs. jillian gets my running shoes. Baby Andrew and Baby Camille can share my Suzuki violin books. La Perla gets my lithograph of  Jerry Garcia.  To Matt from the UK I bequeath any remaining codeine cough syrup in my medicine cabinet.  To Judge Alex I bequeath my continued resolve to never, ever roll my eyes again even after death.  To Donna Banta I bequeath my scripture combination autograohed by the one and only Paul H. Dunn. (It makes great kindling.)Dad can have everything else, although I'm not sure what is left that is worth having. If anyone I have omitted wants something, it's all in my closets -- one at my parents' home and one in the condo. Help yourself to the contents. You would be doing my parents a favor. If anyone around the age of thirteen wants my clothing, it will probably fit.

Without going into enough detail to make anyone who reads this as sick as I am, I tasted the In 'N Out Burger twice. I didn't enjoy it nearly as much the second time.

The person who invents an antibiotic that kills walking pneumonia without killing the patient in the process will be most deserving of a Nobel Prize.

I must now adjourn to once again pay homage to the porcelain god.

 

                                   less cheesy than the MoTab, but still morbid, nonetheless