Saturday, September 5, 2015

I'm Lost and Do Not Know What to Do

I'm totally losing it. My computer was supposedly repaired, but it still will not charge, I pretended to be sick on Thursday to get it repaired and it charged enough to get through Friday, but now it's deader than a doornail. .I need the #$%^*&^(*!! computer to study or I'm going to flunk out of medical school.

For some reason my major bank account (the one that has more than maybe a thousand dollars of discretionary income in it -- has never been transferred over to my name alone,and I need a parent's signature to access the money .I'm sure it was an oversight and not an intentional attempt to control me through controlling my money.  However, my father does not think I need a new computer and is refusing to sign on it. He has until Monday to change his mind before I use what little discretionary income Ihave to pay a retainer to an attorney and sue him for total  control  of my account. It'snot some flipping trust fund, by the way. It's money I've learned through my own hard work,plus a very smallsum of birthday and Christmas gifts from relatives, which, though they were intended so that I could purchase gifts I would like at the time, Instead, my parents required me to bank in this secured account to which i have no unencumbered access.

I don't particularly care if this irrevocably damages my relationship with my father or with both parents. (My mom could sign for me as well, but she's certainly not offering to step up t the plate, nor is she being forthcoming with the cash for the violin that belongs to me that she damage essentially beyond repair.) For all I know, they're hoping for an early death on my part so that they can have my money free and clear. they've given me little reason to believe otherwise.

I called a mental health again (a different one than last time)  and was once again cut off because the lady manning the line didn't think my crisis was sufficient to warrant the use of her time.  Mental health paraprofessionals suck - every last one of them - and deserve a worse fate than i could ever imagine for them. Mental health professionals may not be much better (my mother is one, and she's certainly not getting any awards for humanitarian of the year) but i will not paint them all with the same brush.

Right now I pretty much hate the world. I can't eat or sleep,and I have limited resources for studying. yet each night  I put on my makeup  and put on a fake smile while pretending to be \Sandy in Grease.
I have three more performances after this weekend.  Mere  words cannot express the sheer hatred I feel for the professor who onsisted that i take on this role.  I wonder if he'll feel obligated to attend my funeral or visit my grave it doing this kills me.


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  2. Your life is going to consist of many problems. What if you can learn to enjoy them. I am an expert in not eating or fasting. I have consumed only water for 22 days. Why 22 days? All of these Christians fast for time mentioned in the bible so they fast as long as 21 days or 40 days. So if I fasted 22 days then I will have beaten all those who have not fasted 40 days.

    I have always been underweight just like Gandhi. So you can fast. You can even tell your mother and father just to scare them. The 2 biggest dangers are getting up too fast and passing out due to low blood pressure. Fasting lowers blood pressure. One in 100 people get too low potassium levels and must stop or they can die. Comes from Joel Fuhrman's M.D.'s book on fasting.

    Does it matter that I love you and will be more upset than anyone if something should happen to you? Also the purpose of theater, both watching and performing, is escape. Get good at it. The only problems that you have is the problems of Sandy Dombroski. And she is make-believe. It is a sin to worry about other stuff while acting. Now you are forced (and have no say in it) to believe that dreams are real when they are happening even thou they are fake.

    You should have made your money only yours and you can still give your bank the name of your parent to the bank that will get the money if something happens to you. You should have the power over your own money even if your father is right and you are wrong. Not saying that he is. Bhagavad Gita says it is better to do something wrong and learn from the mistake, than to do something right because some else thinks it is right.

    You have many people who care about you. It was simple when the French girl knew when I was the one who really cared about her. Again you should enjoy being Sandy. Shakespeare says "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages." Can't you keep the computer plugged in for now?

    1. I couldn't have acquired complete control over my money in a legal sense. In CA, anyway, am account over a certain dollar amount (I don't know the amount, but it's far below the amount in my major account) has to have the conservatorship of a guardian. It should have been converted to my control the day I turned eighteen, but was just one of those tings that never happened. I had everything I needed (my parents are good in many ways) so it wasn't an issue until now.

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  5. That sucks that your parents are on your account. Have you tried going back to the apple store and seeing if there is something else they can fix? It sounds like maybe the battery is shot. I'm not sure how easy that is to change on a Mac.

    Don't take offense to this but are you feeling ok? I have sort of noticed that when you post a particularly ranty thread (even when the rants are very very well deserved) sometimes a day or two later there is a post that you are really sick. I don't know if it is the stress from the crazy situation that causes you to get sick or if you starting to be sick causes less ability to deal with said stressful situation or if I'm totally off base but if you aren't feeling well please take care of yourself!

    Another idea I just had, possibly the apple store could lend you a Mac while they fix yours? Even if you have to rent it? That would give you some time to get the bank account straightened Ou

  6. This may seem insensitive but I promise it isn't... "Calm down. Have some dip." (George Carlin)

    I've been where you are. It's going to be alright. You'll get through it just like you always do. I think MangoMoo has a good point about asking the Apple store to lend you a Mac. They were supposed to fix your computer and they didn't. Perhaps a little hell raising is in order?

    Hang in there, Alexis.

  7. I want to talk to you but in case you don't call me here is a story. This is story for this situation and your life. A real king (this is an old Indian story) was having a dream. He was homeless and living in the woods. He got some food by begging and was going to eat it for dinner. He was cooking it up and 2 animals were running, one chasing the other.

    As they ran through, they spilled all the food on the dirt. The king was very upset. So it seemed so real to him. So he wanted to know which is real. Was he a king dreaming that he was homeless or is he a homeless person just dreaming that he is a king.

    A wise man gave him the answer. Neither is real! He will suffer as a king and he will die. He is not searching for this. You are not searching for a life as a doctor ending in death. You are searching for you, what is an immortal spirit that really lives in perfect peace, endless love and joy unparalelled and is one with God. So you will only be happy when you find you. That is why all suffering exists-- so you will discover the answer-- which is you.

  8. life still sucks, but I'm sort ofgetting through it.I think the stupid musical plusmedicalschool is turning into more than I can handle, then when my computer crashes (that I MUST have for med school) and my mother destroys my violin and isn't quick to fork over the money to replace it nor are eiher of my parents quickt to release my hard-earned money (not a g** D***** trust fund) i t enrages me all the more.
    I'm probably exhaustedalmost to thepoint of being sick, but I don't see any way out of this. When it's all over, I'm going to send an ugly vase of dead flowers to the professor who insisted I do the stupid Sandy role. If I die, someone please send it for me. Just address it to "the progfessor who got Alexis the role in "Grease." It will get to him.He's been to medical school. He should have known it's nearly impossible,no matter how greatone's memory is, to appear on stage night after nght, then tp have to come home in time to study for half the night, then to have to get up for class, lectures, faux medical practices, and labs. I fell asleep on top of a cadaver on Friday.

    if there is a hell, there is surely a special place reserve in it for that dastardly (substitute the first d for a b and you'll get my drift) professor.

  9. Crunch time ,Alexis. One of the hardest of life's hard lessons to be learnt is to find one's physical and emotional limits.

    I've messaged you before about the need for allowing vacation and recovery time, and you seem to have agreed with me about that. Learning to say "No", for self preservation,NOT selfishness is a really hard one.

    You are entering a profession where your desire to help/please others is esteemed. Don't let yourself be sucked dry. The demands are never-ending, and only YOU can set the limits as to how much you can give.

    I think the professor who put that obligation on you is cruel and uncaring.Your history of quick intelligence,musicality and perfectionism created a fetter, but someone in a mentor's role should not have put such a burden on you.

    NOW. You need to take something from this
    (1) increased self knowledge about your limits
    (2)awareness of how you prioritise your commitments
    (3) increased self confidence to set boundaries and say "No"- no explanations -no self justification- just say "No, that's not possible".
    (4) A hard one-awareness that you do not have to excel in all things at all times. Be a little kinder to yourself.

    Wish I was closer to take you for a coffee and a walk on my beach for a chat and to soak up a sunset.I care about how you are travelling.

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