Wednesday, September 16, 2015

too much

I had an exam today. I think I ended up coming out of it OK, but there were issues. First of all, I fell asleep during the test. Someone woke me up after maybe half and hour or so. Fortunately I don't usually require every moment provided for the completion of a test; I did manage to complete the test.  On two test items  I initially drew a complete blank before finally coming up with the answers.

No one other than I is responsible for keeping myself awake during exams or at any other time. Furthermore, it may have been a half hour before the person who eventually woke me noticed I had fallen asleep. If such was not the case, however, and the person who woke me took her sweet time in waking me up (she's a person who appears to feel very competitive toward me; I'm probably fortunate that she bothered waking me up at all), I may someday have the opportunity to reciprocate in some way. I most certainly will take advantage if the opportunity avails itself. For the record, because of where I was seated, the person who woke me up was the only person likely to have been able to see I was asleep other than one of the proctors, whom I would assume would have awakened me had he or she seen that I was asleep. 

Every time we have exams, at least one person cries before it's over. It's never been I who cried, and God forbid such ever be the case, but today I at least understood what it was that would motivate a person to cry during an exam.

Ultimately the answers to the test items came to me, which is all fine and well, but what if that happens in real life and not just in a test? What  if I'm in an actual medical situation and what I'm supposed to do eludes me? My professor, who was attempting to console me, told me that's why we work in teams and not solo -- so that we can help each other to remember the things that temporarily escape our brains. It makes sense, but there are times when there's no one else on whom to depend. He also told 
me it's probably  good thing I'm going into research and not traditional medical practice.

I called a mental health hotline once more -- a different one than last time  -- but got pretty much the same response. I'm not as crazy or suicidal as I'd like to think I am and I'm wasting the precious time of the hotline operators by calling them.

My professor called one of my uncles because he was concerned. The consensus is that it's delayed reaction to stress. I have consent to skype class for the next week if necessary, or not even bother skyping if it's more than that of which I'm capable, but how is skipping out on classes going to help when it's not remembering what I need to know that is so seriously troubling me?

I'm supposed to go home this weekend, but I just don't think I can do it. It would probably be best for me to remain here and to play my violin all weekend whenever I'm not studying. The original plan was for the Godchild's baptism to happen this weekend, but that date has been changed, so there's no pressure to appear on that account.

I think if I did not have my violin I would be in serious peril.


  1. Stop,Breathe,Look at the sunset.Spend time with some one you love.
    Dear Alexis.You are so hard on yourself.

    Believe in yourself but DON'T push yourself beyond your strengths.
    I have a daughter who faced problems with perfectionism and fears of falling short. It tore me apart to see her sufferings as she came to deal with what she perceived as failing. A long hard road. Fortunately she had a great psychologist who worked with school and college kids exclusively. She has had to incorporate many techniques to cope with the fact that she still sets herself up to be meticulous in a world where so many are laissez-faire.

    You will also be a striver, an achiever. Just don't be dissatisfied. We all have "could have/should have done better moments".

    Learn to recognise and accept your frailty.Do you think you push yourself to compensate for your physical delicacy?Remember that many of us are absolutely in awe of the level and breadth of your achievements.

    I know that I, for one, love to hear of your holiday excursions and your "down "time because I feel that you are striving to get the balance your life needs.

    Look after yourself please. We need you well.

  2. It pains me that you felt "I called a mental health hotline once more -- a different one than last time -- but got pretty much the same response. I'm not as crazy or suicidal as I'd like to think I am and I'm wasting the precious time of the hotline operators by calling them." you should never have to feel that way. If you need help always reach out. Please choose a contact person to call whether family, friend or professional. You have my email if you need an ear. Anxiety sucks .... I know it too well. Rest, do what calms you and don't be afraid to reach out. I'll even let you borrow my daily mantra "No matter what life throws at me today .... This too shall pass". And it will.

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  4. Take it easy this weekend if you can. Get some sleep. Don't get sick. ;)

    I'll see if I can come up with something interesting for you to read.

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  6. Feel better! It is kind of amazing that the first time you seem to have blanked on a test is in medical school. Most people do that all the time! So I would really try and stress less! (I know easier said than done).

    My advice is to watch some really stupid but guilty pleasure tv this weekend and get some sleep around the studying and violin playing we all know you will be doing. I wouldn't feel pressured to go home, traveling can be tiring too. Sometimes just hanging out in your pjs all day is the best medicine! Order some takeout/delivery so you don't even have to worry about feeding yourself and just be completely selfish the whole weekend! You have earned it.

  7. If I lived near you, we could totally hang out and avoid responsibilities together. My professor (or ex professor, whichever, drove me over to the train station today due to my sudden and stupid unpredictable blindness. I missed a big neuroanatomy exam, classes, everything. It's incredibly embarrassing. Vision is back somewhat now, saline infusion later.

    All aboard the hot mess express!! Choo choo!