Saturday, July 12, 2014

Judge Alex Gives People Head Lice and Other Silly Dreams


I just woke up from a really scary (at the time) yet equally ridiculous dream.  It scared me while I was asleep just as much as the dreams I've had that have been more pertinent to actual happenings in my life. I wasn't able to do any of the lucid dreaming sort of thing or control in any way the direction the dream. I just had to dream it out until something woke me up.

At first I was very scared, but then I was able to stop and tell myself, "That was perhaps the stupidest dream anyone has ever dreamed." My dad came in my room when I screamed. I told him about my dream. He said that most likely stupider dreams have been dreamt, but that this was quite possibly among the stupider ones of which he's personally heard.

Anyway, I woke up [in my dream; in real life I was still asleep] to the sound of our alarm going off. I ran into my parents room, which has monitors all around the outside of the house I was still asleep. All monitors were clear except for #6, which showed a man in protective gear, but his head wasn't covered. Eventually he got close enough that I could see that it was the Honorable Judge Alex Ferrer.

Judge Ferrer found a loose screen outside the main laundry room.  He ripped it off and kicked the window out. My house has a slightly odd floor plan. The door from the laundry room leads to the pantry, then to the kitchen.  My parents and I were watching  Judge Ferrer on the monitors. He wasn't in a big hurry to do anything. He checked out our refrigerator, but there was apparently not much inside it that caught his attention.

Next he opened the freezer. We're usually well-stocked with ice cream, and during my dream was no exception. The judge got out at least eight cartons. He found a single spoon and helped himself  randomly to all the cartons he had taken from the freezer. He looked at the open freezer door and said something to the effect of, "No point in closing the freezer; I'll just want more when I finish these."  I think he may have spoken in Spanish and my dad may have translated for the rest of us.

Alexis has been told that Dad's fingers are getting tired, so she's going to  going to cut to the chase with her narrative here.   I'm paraphrasing for her.

The network at Fox, at least in Alexis' dream, has the ability to watch people as they're watching Fox programming. Alexis laughed at something today when a litigant suggested that maybe - or maybe not - Judge Alex's show was considered nationally televised. Judge Alex took offense at this, so he put on a hazmat suit, armed himself with vials filled to the brim with nits, nymphs, and mature lice. He was after Alexis first, but he studies her social media interactions enough to get a few names, and he was also after Becca, Jaci[note that I got the spelling right] Notty, Ameilia, Mariannne, a doctor from Australia, Matt from England, and an exmormon, and a person named Melissa who is either very sweet or likes Barry Manilow. There were others, but Alexis nodded off mid-sentence.

Judge Alex made it to Alexis' room. I'm sure I was right behind him with a baseball bat, though she didn't mention that part. Alexis was thrashing around in her bed, trying to find something with which to hit the judge, She grabbed a glass of water and somehow broke it over her head. She screamed even louder because she thought the had been infested by the various metamorphisms of Pediculus humanus capititus.

I turned on the light to find Alexis holding two pieces of a broken glass in her hand. There were three more  pieces of glass on her pillow case. Her mom came into the room. We changed her pillow and sheets and went through her hair to ensure that no glass was left.  Alexis had a slight cut on her scalp, but it wasn't deep or large enough to worry about stitching.

Alexis is asleep again. From this experience she has learned that dreams - even scary one - can be very silly and my have no significance whatsoever. She has also learned that she may only have plastic water cups beside her bed at night.

To those I have mentioned and some I have not, beware! A man in a hazmat suit may be wandering your neighborhood this very night, armed with vials of head lice.

Note: I've read up on this Judge Alex guy. Since Alexis was fourteen or fifteen, for months at a time, the only conversation I could have about her that wasn't totally one-sided was about Judge Alex. She would talk for hours about him. If I asked her how school went on a given day, I'd be greeted more often than not with dead silence. At first I assumed it was a typical TV infatuation, though a bit odd in light of the age difference. Then I did a little research and learned that she was, in fact, communicating with the REAL Judge Alex. I needed to make sure that he wasn't leading cult or anything of that nature. Alexis had enough issues in her life without being hooked up with the likes of David Koresh.

Her mom was less concerned than I was. She reminded me of Alexis' earlier infatuation with Steve of Blue's Clues. Still, I checked out Alexis' communications, both in general and with Judge Alex, which a good parent should be doing, anyway. He never told her a single thing I wouldn't have told her myself. A few times he told her that some things are for parents to decide - period - and there's not much a kid can do about it.

Anyone who has raised a teen-aged girl can probably relate to this, but it's like one night you put your child to bed, and the next morning, instead of the sweet little girl you had the night before, in her place is a feral cat.

We're through the feral cat stage with Alexis. I'd like to think we would be there regardless by now. I wonder at times, however, if we would have made it without Judge Alex and a few others of you Alexis has met here and on other media, people who seem inexplicably to speak the language of feral cats.  My sincerest appreciation goes out to you.

P.S. Alexis may erase this when she finds it, so I hope you read soon.



  1. That's quite a dream! Given the month I've been having, head lice would be but just one minor problem. I think Judge Alex is one of the better TV judges out there. Sometimes I watch his show and then it turned out one of my Facebook friends is Judge Alex's brother-in-law. My friend tells me Judge Alex is one of the smartest guys he knows. I'm sure the idea of him spreading head lice is a new one!

  2. This one really takes the cake!

  3. Knotty, I need to read your blog to see where you are right now,

    Becca, Knotty, anyone else: I'm somewhat interested in dream analysis, but I suspect some dreams are just ridiculous thoughts that get thrown into a blender, and the dream is what comes out, and it's not really supposed to make sense.

  4. That was indeed a strange one! Not sure I'd try to analyze it.

  5. Oh help!!I wasn't able to shampoo my hair for 5 days post-op.The relief when I could was wonderful. I hope Judge Ferrer doesn't feel the urge to travel with his head lice to my corner of the world. Thankfully we have incredibly strict quarantine as any visitors to Australia will know,after being fumigated before deplaning. Alexis, better dreams next time.

  6. This may be a really stupid question, ozdoc, but Aunstrali has unique species of plants but particularly animals, than the rest of the world.. Do you have Pediculosis humanis capititus?

  7. Yep. Pediculosis capitus and corporus. Cattle ticks also. Not sure if they are introduced or not. Good question.

  8. Oh the joys of being bald!