Thursday, January 9, 2014

True Confession: I Cheated on Judge Alex

self-titled Mormon evangelist and his porn-actress wife

I have a confession to make. I cheated on Judge Alex today. It was just a one-morning stand. the dalliance was unplanned, as I did not wake up this morning with the intent of being unfaithful in a long-standing TV relationship. I have no emotional attachment to Judge Lynn Toler or to Divorce Court. Watching to program today meant nothing to me. Then again, that's probably what everyone says when he or she cheats.

Today's episode of Divorce Court caught my attention while I was channel surfing because the husband announced himself as -- I think -- a Mormon evangelist whose wife had slept with more than one-hundred-fifty men during their marriage. The "Mormon evangelist" phrase  tweaked my ear more than did the "slept with more than one-hundred fifty men" line,  partly because I am a sickly obsessed individual, but also because "evangelist" isn't a term Mormons typically use to describe themselves. This didn't occur to me until right now, but I wonder if the husband and wife could have been posers in that regard. Could they have embellished their resume of marital woes by adding Mormonism to the mix in order to makes themselves and their failing marriage more appealing to the Divorce Court producers?  Anything is possible.

Both the husband and the wife were on the obese end of the height/weight table, though the wife was the more noticeably so of the two. The husband accused the wife of having appeared in thirty porn flicks. The wife denied this allegation. She denied that it had been a mere thirty porn flicks in which she had appeared. The correct number, she disdainfully asserted, was sixty-two.

The couple had supposedly been married for fourteen years,  and probably even solemnized n the temple at some point, as the husband stated that marriage is, in his opinion, eternal.  When Judge Lynn Toler questioned the wife about her Mormonism; the wife downplayed her involevemnt, saying she wasn't born into the faith. Converts are sometimes the most zealous of all religious adherents, but I wouldn't have expected the wife to know that or anything else not directly related to her area of expertise. The wife seemed to be something of an idiot savant whose sole area of  genius -- or even of functional ability hovering anywhere near the average range -- would have centered around her ability to achieve an orgasm under virtually any circumstance.  I apologize to anyone unaccustomed to reading material beyond my normal G rating.

Judge Alex today featured a man who sued his nephew because his nephew defaulted on a student loan for which the man had co-signed.  While the nephew in the case was clearly irresponsible and a bit slimy, both parties were recognizable as members of the Homo sapiens genus/species. The same cannot be said for the Momon evangelist and his porn star wife. I don't know how the divorce court  case was resolved.  Judge Lynn Toler lost me somewhere between the discussion of the wife's devotion to Mormonism and the questioning concerning porn star earnings and where all the money went. While Judge Toler seems to be a sincere and kind person,  her style of questioning is not nearly as engaging or compelling as is that of Judge Alex Ferrer. He would have gotten far more mileage and laughs out of the situation than Judge Toler did.

Judge Alex, I'll try to be more faithful in the future, but whenever I hear the word Mormon or the letters LDS on either a judge or reality-self-help-Jerry-Springer-style show, I cannot help it. I have an addiction to anything pertaining to  the seedier side of Mormonism.


  1. From your report, I think Judge Alex himself would have stopped to gawk at this train wreck. These people sound like they should have been on Jerry Springer. Or, The Maury Show.

    I'm constantly amazed at the broad spectrum of people we share the earth with.

  2. You would have been better off reading Yahoo! comments!

    Just kidding. The Mormon evangelist couple sounds very much like a train wreck. Too bad I missed it.