Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Sister Jessica Beagley, Stake Primary Presideny Extraordinaire, Gets Her Day (or Week) in Court

The trial of Jessica Beagley, known to many of us because of her infamous appearance on "Dr. Phil," is standing trial this week for what is, I believe, a single count of misdemeanor child abuse. A jury was selected yesterday, and opening arguments took place today. The videotape that was aired on "Dr. Phil" was allegedly shown to the six jurors and two alternates. More videotape allegedly exists and waa supposedly taken into possession by the Anchorage Police Department. It will be interesting to see if the out-takes were even more incriminating than the one we actually saw, or if they were merely bloopers.

In a San Joaquin Valley city where my cousins live, a woman who was a teacher at one of the local high schools shot her husband and daughter-in-law minutes apart while allegedly accusing them of being romantically involved. The woman then ran down the street, at some point losing her clothing. She was found shortly thereafter by the local police department's K-9 unit hiding in a trash can in her birthday suit.

I haven't been to law school yet, but even without benefit of legal education, I can say without equivocation that this is a case in which I would've begged my client to take the best plea offer she could get. She accidentally shot two people accidentally, minutes apart, and then hid with no clothes on in a trash can several blocks from her home? This stretches the bounds of credulity.

You're probably wondering what the hell this case has to do with
Jessica Beagley's trial. The answer is very little, except for one minor point. The teacher, whom my cousin knew by sight but had not taken classes from, was a very frumpy sixty-ish looking woman with frazzled hair, ill-fitting and un-stylish clothing, and comsmetics, when appled at all, done haphazardly and in shades that did not enhance the woman's overall appearance. Prior to her trial, the woman's attorney arranged for some sort of makeover for the woman. In court she looked like a competent, nicely-coiffed, attractive professional. She still lost her case, but I'm sure her makeover at least lengthened the time the jury spent deliberating, and probably resulted in a shorter sentence for her than she otherwise would have received.

Jessica Beagley's haircut looks as though it was done by one of her six childrem -- probably whichever one likes her the least, which would presumably be Kristoff, the hot sauce boy-- using those scrap-booking scissors that have various designs of scalloped edges. She's not inherently an ugly woman, but she would benefit from skillful and subtle application of cosmetics and careful choice of wardrobe for court appearances. Perhaps a pair of glasses that would lend a less harsh look to her appearance could also be of benefit to Sister Beagley. The way she looks is the way many Stake Primary Presidents look, but it's not necessarily an advantageous look when one is on trial for child abuse. That is, it's not advantageous unless Sister Beagely, in being judged by a jury of her peers, was lucky enough to empanel a jury of Stake Primary Presidents. In that case, she'll walk.

I haven't a clue how this case will go, but I suspect it's been won or lost already by either side in jury selection. If I could see the jury, even without knowing a thing about them, I could probably tell you what the outcome of the trial will be.


  1. Maybe allowing people to show their "inner freak" is a better idea? "Guilty but insane to go about looking like that!"

  2. Matt, regardless of how the trial ends up, I suspect she'll go on to stare thousands of primary kiddies into subordination with that signature look for decades.

  3. I guess I'll have to google this, I have no clue what you're talking about. :)

  4. Amelia,
    Jessica Beagley, who lives in Anchorage, Alaska, is a local LDS lay leader (Stake Primary President, if you're familiar with Mormon terminology)had her daughter film her while she was yelling at one of her two adopted russian orphans, putting hot sauce in his mouth, and forcing him to take a very cold shower because he wriggled in his seat at school, pretended to sword-fight with pencils, and LIED to his mother about it. She submitted this tape to Dr. Phil so she could be on his TV show. When the video was shown on Dr. Phil's show, someone in TV Land alerted the local authorities. Mrs. Beagley is now on trial for child abuse.

  5. Well. That is awesome. *retch*
    Just thought I'd check in and make sure you're ok. :)

  6. She was found guilty. Two women (Mormons, too) were found guilty of the same offence in the UK not so long back. They were both jailed, I think.