Thursday, August 11, 2011

And So It Goes

I fell asleep on the sofa very early tonight, and my PseudoUncle carried me to bed. Unfortunately, dear sweet Warren Jeffs decided to pay a visit to me in my dreams again. This one wasn't so violent that I screamed and woke up the neighborhood, which is good, but I'm having trouble going back to sleep. If I'm not asleep an hour after I wake up from a bad dream I have to wake up my PseudoAunt because I will get in trouble if I lie awake all night without telling anyone.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my surgeon and one with my psychiatrist. I'm not looking forward to either appointment, but at least the most intimate part of my body I'll probably have to display is my mid-section, which isn't all that bad. Where I draw the line is at anything that's covered up in a strapless backless bikini. They practically have to anaesthetize me to look at anything else. This is one of the reasons I think I'm probably not cut out to be a stripper. I will discuss Warren Jeffs with my shrink. I wonder what insights he'll have into the situation. There's not much he can tell me that I don't already know. I'm well aware that Warren jeffs is locked up in texas, that he's not likely to get out anytime soon, and that even if he does escape, he's probably not coming after me. That knowledge still does little to keep the nightmares away.

PseudoAunt's brother, his wife, and their three-year-old daughter are in the area. Today Pseudoaunt, Timmy, and I took the child to the zoo while her parents slept. Her mom is pregnant and her dad is tired from being a first-year-resident. My dad told me that he was never so tired in his life as when he was a first-year resident. It's not quite as brutal for the people currently aerving residencies as it was in the olden days when my dad did his, but it's not good, either. That's one of the reasons I don't want to wake up PseudoAunt -- because it will probably wake up PseudoUncle as well, and he needs his sleep.

I've tried counting sheep, which is stupid. I've tried mentally recreating the periodic table of elements and reciting poetry in my head and solving complex equations. I've even tried singing mormon hymns in my head. if Mormon hymns do not put a person to sleep, that person is in a certified state of wakefulness. Nothing seems to work. If the people in control of my life would just give me one tablet of something that would make me sleep each night, I would not take it unless I needed it. Nine times out of ten I would give the tablet back to them in the morning. They will not do that, however, because a sixteen-year-old, even an intelligent one, is neither mature nor smart enough to know when it is appropriate to take any drug that falls in the class of benzodiazapenes.

So in five minutes I'll wake up my PseudoAunt. She'll wake up my PseudoUncle. Chances are that they'll make so much noise that Timmy will wake up as well. PseudoUncle will give me an Ativan. I could've taken my own Ativan just fine without waking up an entire condo full of people, but that would have made too much sense, apparently.

It's time to wake up the house and start the Ativan party.


  1. That sucks. I hope the Ativan worked and you were sleeping soundly for the rest of the night. :)

    -- Becca

  2. My brain is my worst enemy when it comes to sleep as well. Blah.

  3. Alexis, is it possible you are projecting? Is is possible you are projecting your sex attacker on to Warren Jeffs?

    The human mind is crazy. See, it knows Jeffs is a long way away, so it pushes your anxiety about one person who doesn't live far away on to a person who DOES live far away.

    It's probably trying to protect you, but in a crappy kind of way.

  4. Becca and Amelia, it sounds as though you both can identify to some degree for various reasons. Matt, I think you may be onto something. I'm going to share this withdr. Jeff.