Physical Therapy Is Getting In the Way of My Keeping Up With the Warren Jeffs Trial

If anyone out there is looking for a career change and doesn't mind putting in a few more years in college, I have a field to recommend: physical therapy. My reason is that basically everyone recovering from any illness or injury is now being referred for physical therapy. I had pneumonia and a ruptured appendix. People have been recovering from such ailments for the better part of a century, and those who have succesfully navigated their way back from death's door (it was a little trickier a few years ago when surgical techniques were not so refined and antibiotics were not so plentiful) generally have done so without the benefit of a physical therapist's assistance.

After I had surgery, I stayed in the hospital for more than a week. Then I came home (to a hotel in this area) to be babysat by my parents for a week while I gradually regained strength. That's the way it's always been done. In this enlightened age, however, the medical profession now knows that a post-pneumonia and post-surgery patient can recovery his or her strength oh so much more efficiently with the involvement of physical therapy. This s a win/win proposition for the physical therapists who work with me. I say this not because I am such a delightful patient, which I am, but that is beside the point, but because I am going to get well and regain my strength no matter what methods the physical therapists do or do not use. They could have me draw pictures with my toes in peanut butter on the floor, or spit chocolate milk through a straw, or just stare at the freckled assistant and try to count his freckles, as their sole methods of physical therapy and I would still regain my strength. It takes a little longer, but it's much like curing a mosquito bite or an uncomplicated case of hiccups: it's going to get better as long as you do nothing counterproductive. I'm their dream patient.

Anyway, Pseudoaunt was kind enough to record the coverage of Warren's trial. The coverage actually consists of the talking heads talking about what they saw and heard in the courtroom, as no live audio or video feed is allowed. As much as I'd love to see and hear it, the judge was probably wise not to allow Warren any more of a forum than he already has. I can't imagine how he'd be acting if he knew he had a live nationwide audience. I loved the way the judge sent the jury out while he rambled on and on about his right to religious freedom. Then, after an hour, she basically said, "OK. Now that we've heard this argument, anytime you wish to object on these grounds, just say, 'Objective Number One.' We've already heard all about it, so we'll know exactly what you're talking about. You don't need to go through the entire schpiel again." Brilliant!

A tape was played today in which Warren was instructing at least one underage female in specific instructions for meeting his needs. He supposedly went so far as to say what body parts were to be shaved, and exactly how. Jeffs' megalomania seems to be manifested in part in a bizarre need to immortalize everything he says and does with recordings, which is something that ultimately will contribute greatly to his undoing. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but an audio recording has to be worth at least nine hundred. The reporters said the directions Warren gave were too graphic and explicit for them to repeat on air.

My PseudoAunt is trying to monitor what I'm watching because she doesn't want me to start having Warren Jeffs dreams. She's particularly worried about the audiotape of the women restraining the twelve-year-old on the temple bed while Warren has his way with her. While the tape probably won't be aired on TV, even the discussion of it may be graphic. I'll go along with her wishes because I don't particularly want to have Warren Jeffs nightmares.

I may have a polygamy party, where everyone dresses up as a polyg or as a character in the trial if one cannot stomach being a polygamist. Pseudoaunt was experimenting with her hair, and she eventually achieved the signature FLDS forehead flip. That is the fricking ugliest hairstyle I've ever seen, and that includes the way Nick Nolte's hair looked in his mugshot, or the way Charles Manson's hair always looks. I'll have her do my hair that way as well.

If you're feeling under the weather, perhaps you are in need of physical therapy. If you need a new career, consider physical therapy. Physical therapy is the way of the future!

Sayonara!