Monday, August 29, 2011

Protocol, Spying on Me Via My Blog, and Judge Judy, Who Expects Us to Lie

My artistically brilliant but controversial plan to be photographed atop the roof of my home, where I once performed basic (level four if you consider them having been successfully executed on the equivalent to a balance beam; level three otherwise) gymnastics skills has been temporarily thwarted because I made the silly mistake of blogging about my plan in advance on this semi-private forum. Any reader who stumbles upon this space is free to read, although he or she would have virtually no insight as to my identity as the author. Still, of the relatively few people in my life who know of the blog's existence, six are presently enclosed in the house with me. Wouldn't it seem logical to ask me of my immediate upcoming plans as opposed to logging onto a computer, locate the website, and reading the blog in its entirety? The thwarter of my plans is bedded down for the night in a room containing a doorway that is no more than two steps (with the thwarter's Bigfoot-like dimensions, he probbaly could've covered the distance in a single stride) from the doorway to the room in which I am settled in for the night.

Had he asked me point-blank of my plans for the upcoming days, I can hardly guarantee that the answer I provided necessarily would have been the proverbial on-a-stack-of-Bibles truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Judge Judith Scheindlin, of "Judge Judy" fame, is fond of declaring that when a teenager's mouth is moving, he or she is lying. I've been taught by my parents that I should not contradict my elders. Judge Schendlin, as an enthusiastic if shrill promoter of Truth, Justice, and The American Way, is an elder whom I should not contradict. In order for my words not to contradict those of her, I must at least occasionally say things that are not true, I'm on shaky ground ever telling the truth, as Judge Scheindline said whenever a teenager's mouth is moving, he or she is lying, but i find it exhausting to speak only in lies. At times, I lack the energy to tell anything but the truth.

I reread the previous two paragraphs. They seem about as clear as chocolate milk and even less pertinent than they ar clear. Still, I like the way they sound, so I'm leaving them in tonight's blog.

The bottom line here is that my uncle, who was literally within easy shouring distance of me and could have asked me anything he wanted to know, chose instead to spy on me by reading my blog. Perhaps he lacks faith in the truthfullness of the answers I would have given. Has it ever occurred to him that no law of nature prevents me from lying in my blog? There's virtually no guarantee that information coming from my blog is any less heavily laden with lies than the information I would provide orally. I figure that Judge Judy's mantra must surely apply to the written words of teenagers as well as to the spoken ones. Most of what appears in my blog happens, for the record, to be mostly the Gospel Truth, but in keeping with Judge Judy's expectations that, as a teenager, when my fingers strike the keys, I'm under some degree of moral obligation at least to suggest that I lie in my blog even if I don't. To fail to do so would be an egregious violation of my parents' directive not to contradict my elders. Following my parents' policy of not contradicting my elders, I am at least a little bit obligated to throw in a few half-truths, mistruths and outright falsehoods in the name of respect and confirmation of the Honorable Judge Judith Scheindlin.

It seems that Uncle disapproves of my plan to climb a tree next to my house in order to scale thr roof and be photographed while standing atop it. This is, again, the same roof on which I successfully completed a front walkover and a cartwheel. All I plan to do for the picture is stand there and perhaps smile. My Uncle read about it in my blog. He should've just asked instead of spying on me. Out of obligation to live up to (or down to, as the case may be) Judge Scheindlin's expectations of me as teenager I probably would have needed to lie to him. At that point, however, he then he would have had justification to consult my blog.

Judge Judy says we lie all the time. Judge Judy is a Pillar of Society, in addition to being a cultural icon. Unless we wish to be deliberately rude by contradicting esteened elders, we must either fail to tell the truth, tell less than the whole truth, or include incidentals and embellishments that are not any part of the truth. If we fail to do this, we are contradicting an esteemed elder American. In previous generations, someone may very well been slapped for contrdicting an elder. It's less clear-cut now, but those of you, who, like me, concern yourselves with being on the correct side of propriety, some distortion of the truth is essential. It's slightly less essential in writing. Still, I consider it rude of my parents' houseguests to consult my blog before speaking with me personally. If they care enough to ask me personally, even if they know they have no greater than a fifty-fifty chance of receiving an answer that is not overstated, understated, embellished, or otherwise distorted, they are then ethicslly and morally in a position to consult my blog for the purpose of spyinh on me. After they've gone through the proper chnnels, i'm not offended by their intrusion.

It's all a matter of protocol. Adults expect us to learn theirs. It would behoove them to learn ours as well.


  1. This made me laugh, although I'm sure you didn't mean it too.

  2. Amelia, there's nothing quite like Alexis' circular logic. Whether or not she's willing to admit it at the moment, she knows it's funny.

    By the way, we worked out a solution to her rooftop photoshoot. Barring any sudden hurricane-force winds or an earthquake with a magnittude of 5.0 or greater centered within ten miles of our present location occurring while she's on the roof, the laws of physics dictate that, were Alexis to fall from the roof, she would land in one of two locations. We'll place air cushions at the strategic poinst, and, for added safety, we'll position poeple there who are strong enough to catch Alexis should she fall.

    My spying on her via her blog notwithstanding, she will have the desired rooftop photoshoot.

    This sudden solution leaves Alexis, once more, as a rebel without a cause.

    Alexis' Favorite Uncle

  3. How wonderful!! I was hoping for an easier solution than drugging every adult in a 200 foot radius. :)

  4. If it were the right drugs, I might not complain.

  5. Your comments on Judge Judy are interesting! We do not get Judge Alex in the UK, however, we do get Judge Judy. Who seems to establish the guilt of the people before her within seconds, sometimes!

  6. I, too, wonder how Judge judy makes up her mind so fast. i know the litigants are required to submit statements, but i think that's the case in most small claims court jurisdictions. If one could make a fair and accurate decision based on the written statements alone, what would be the point of small claims court trials? Local governments could save a great deal of money if justice were served that way.

    Some people have the gift of knowing whether those speaking to them are telling the truth. jusge Judy may be one of those people. Still, just like with polygrqaphs, I highly doubt "the gift" could be 100% accurate. I suspect a few of Judge Judy's litigants get a little less than justice.