Because of my recent bout with mono and subsequent related splenectomy, my trips to the mall have been effectively cutailled. As a result, my loved ones will receive some truly choice gifts for Christmas this year. Last year I had very little shopping mall or department store time, but I had reasonable computer access. Since I only get to use my computer for an hour a day still (my doctor is a Nazi and my dad is a fascist, or vice versa), I have elected not to waste my precious computer hours in search iof the elusive perfect gift.
Doing so is not necessary, anyway -- not when there's the Home Shopping Network and all its competition. Did you know that dfor a love offering of something like $100, you can get a vial of water from the river Jordan signed personally by Paul Crouch of the Trinity Broadcasting Network. I don't know how much love one must offer to receive an autographed picture of the pink-haired Jan Crouch, Paul's supposedly beloved wife. (To the best of my knowledge gleaned through research before the Nazis and fascists struck, Paul and Jan are NOT divorced even though some Internet know-it-alls claimed otherwise.
For just a fraction of the cost of the water from the River Jordan, although actually how much I cannot remember, one can purchase a calendar from the Sisters of the Our Lady of the Angels Monastery from the Eteernal World Television Network. Mother Angelica, Mother Superior of the group unless she died and I happened to miss it, is pictured on the cover. The monthly featured photos could be nude shots of the nuns for all I know. It might be worth your time to investigate.
Several jewelry channels feature quality products, but if you don't act now, your chance to purchase them will be gone forever. For a brief time, one even had the chance to porchase he ring that originally belonged to princess Diana, that prince william gave to kate Middleton as an engagement ring. How they got Kate to give it up for such a reasonable price is a mystery, but I've learned never to look either a gift horse or a gift ring in the mouth.
One of the more curious features I came across on a shopping network was something called "The Bra Baby." "The Bra Baby" is basically two semi-large wiffle balls, one fitting inside another, that will allow one to machine wash any bra from size 28AA (NO LONGER MY SIZE!!!!!! I wouldn't be so brazen as to state what my actual bra size is, and my current size is not exactly going to get me a job at Hooters anytime soon, anyway, but at least I've finally outgrown my 28AAs!!!!!!) to 44DD, although it offers the disclaimer that if the 44DD bra is padded, results cannot be guaranteed. Maybe this is a very stupid question to which everyone in the world but I already knows the answer, but why in hell would someone who wears a size 44DD bra chooose a padded bra to wear? Can't one have too much of a basically good thing? Regardless, my mom says she's been machine washing bras sans "The Bra Baby" for many years without incident, so she encouraged me not to order that for her gift. Unfortunately, one does not always get to choose one's Christmas gifts, and one should be a gracious recipient of whatever gift one receives. So did I buy my mom "The Bra Baby" for Christmas? Time will tell, although if I did not get it for her, it's not because I'm concerned that it will damage her 44DDs.