Friday, December 16, 2011

"As Seen on TV" Gifts, Including "The Bra Baby"

Because of my recent bout with mono and subsequent related splenectomy, my trips to the mall have been effectively cutailled. As a result, my loved ones will receive some truly choice gifts for Christmas this year.  Last year I had  very little shopping mall or department store time, but I had reasonable computer access. Since I only get to use my computer for an hour a day still (my doctor is a Nazi and my dad is a fascist, or vice versa), I have elected not to waste my precious computer hours in search iof the elusive perfect gift.
Doing so is not necessary, anyway -- not when there's the Home Shopping Network and all its competition. Did you know that dfor a love offering of something like $100, you can get a vial of water from the river Jordan signed personally by Paul Crouch of the Trinity Broadcasting Network. I don't know how much love one must offer to receive an autographed picture of the pink-haired Jan Crouch, Paul's supposedly beloved wife. (To the best of my knowledge gleaned through research before the Nazis and fascists struck, Paul and Jan are NOT divorced even though some Internet know-it-alls claimed otherwise.

For just a fraction of the cost of the water from the River Jordan, although actually how much I cannot remember, one can purchase a calendar from the Sisters of the Our Lady of the Angels Monastery  from the Eteernal World Television Network. Mother Angelica, Mother Superior of the group unless she died and I happened to miss it, is pictured on the cover. The monthly featured photos could be nude shots of the nuns for all I know. It might be worth your time to investigate.

Several jewelry channels feature quality  products, but if you don't act now, your chance to purchase them will be gone forever. For a brief time, one even had the chance to porchase he ring that originally belonged to princess Diana, that prince william gave to kate Middleton as an engagement ring. How they got Kate to give it up for such a reasonable price is a mystery, but I've learned never to look either  a gift horse or a gift ring  in the mouth.

One of the more curious features I came across on a shopping network was something called "The Bra Baby."  "The Bra Baby" is basically two semi-large wiffle balls, one fitting inside another, that will allow one to machine wash any bra from size 28AA  (NO LONGER MY SIZE!!!!!! I  wouldn't be so brazen as to state what my actual bra size is, and my current size is not exactly going to get me a job at Hooters anytime soon, anyway, but at least I've finally outgrown my 28AAs!!!!!!) to 44DD, although it offers the disclaimer that if the 44DD bra is padded, results cannot be guaranteed. Maybe this is a very stupid question to which everyone in the world but I already knows the answer, but why in hell would someone who wears a size 44DD bra chooose a padded bra to wear? Can't one have too much of a basically good thing?  Regardless, my mom says she's been machine washing bras sans "The Bra Baby" for many years without incident, so she encouraged me not to order that for her gift. Unfortunately, one does not always get to choose one's Christmas gifts, and one should be a gracious recipient of whatever gift one receives. So did I buy my mom "The Bra Baby" for Christmas? Time will tell, although if I did not get it for her, it's not because I'm concerned that it will damage her 44DDs.


  1. Have you ever seen the better marriage blanket infomercial? That one is priceless! It's virtually a fart blanket, you know, for those ghastly odors that sometimes emerge from your "better half"? Hahah, I laughed so hard. The things that people come up with.

    My Aunt and Uncle have given me so much holy water, it practically rivals our church. I wonder though if it's really holy water, and not just a fancy bottle that someone filled with regular tap water, unblessed. Not to mention, if it is really holy water, I wonder about (and this is going to sound horrible) how clean it is. I didn't think the River Jordan was exactly known as a sparkling clean river. And, aside from that, isn’t it sort of blasphemous to market that sort of thing? I guess you could argue that for bibles and crucifixes too, but $100 for water?

  2. Part One:
    Becca, I've missed that commercial. Even though I've already finished my shopping, I''m going to look online for the better marriage blanket. Because of my former church jobs since I was in about sixth grade and my high school choir accompanist job, for which I was an official staff member and earned by the end about 45 bucks a day (because I purchased salary protection insurance, I was even paid for every day I sat in the loony bin or was on medical-mental-health leave) even with just the 10 % i was not required to bank or donate, I've amassed a considerable nest egg. i've been frual or haven't been in a places where I could spend much money, so I have just under ten thousand that it all mine to use as I please. i'm going online to find that sucker, and many couple I know will receive that Better marriage Blanket as a Christmas gift. my only sadness is that we've already sent my Uncle mahonri and aunt Marthalene's gift. it will have to wait for next year to be their gift form our family. Anyway, my parents, the pseudos, Uncel Steve and aunt heather, dr, Jeff and his Mrs., Uncle jerry and aunt Ilianna, one of my professors, and Jillian's Cousin Peter and his significant other, also named Peter, will recceive the blanket (why should i discriminate because of sexual orientation?). If I had a reliable address, I'd even send one to the Ferrers.

    Regarding holy vs. supposedly holy water, when my mom's best friend's son Andrew, who is now 21 and in the navy, was a baby and visiting his grandparents, they anointed him with water from the Ganges River when his mom was in the shower and unable to prevent it. He developed a rash right where they put the water on his forehead. because it was her first baby, of course his mom took him to the doctor for every little rash or sneeze. The doctor agreed that the rash porbably came from the water. His words were, "How clean could any river be when they routinely float dead bodies down it?" The grandfather was an mD and should have known better. he wasn't really new age - just the grandmother was -- he was playing along for the fun of it. those were some weird people some day I'll blog about them.

  3. Part Two:
    Jared is here, by the way. He is actually staying at our house so his family doesn't have to get so many hotel rooms. they could stay with the pseudos and the Pseudos' parents, but they don't want to impose. They're actually moving out here, but Jared is staying with his grandparents and finishing high school there. He's currently number one in his class and it would be stupid to jeopardize that standing by transferring. he could graduate early, but I think he would like to play baseball, plus he then wouldn't have the distinction of graaduating number one. He will attend a university out here, though. He may even attend the one I attend. his parents are letting him pick. He'll be somewhere between santa barbara and San Diego. I think he has to go to a public university because they have a lot of kids to eventually put through college,(unless he goes to BYU, which they would pay for, but he doesn't want to go there). Going to a public school isn't a disadvantage in California, There are tons of good public universitites here. Only stanford is more sprestigious than the best public universities. (My mom was a Stanford grad and would have liked for me or Matthew to go there, but she understood why we didn't choose it. We were both accepted, which was a major miracle where Matthew was concerned.)

    Jared has to go off and do other things or he'd be too bored just sitting here with me when I can't play anything more strenuous than chess right now. At the moment he's offf with my brother playing basketball with some guys from the neighborhood. He has to do some family things as well. I can't do most of the family things because I'm not allowed arounf Jillian yet with her high-risk condition. It's kind of odd, because I'm the one with compromised immunity, but I can't he around her for another four days because of her high-risk status. We talk and text every day, though. She is fighting a kidney stone. She needs to pass it in the next day or two, or she'll probably have to have it zapped.

    I'm off to find the Better Marriage Blanket. Fantastic idea! Thanks!


  4. Thank you, Alexis. You have reminded me my wife wants a calendar featuring the Pope, for Christmas. Must sort that this afternoon...

    Of marginal interest to other people is the fact that every time our African Grey Parrot sees an image of the Holy Father,she blows him a kiss.

  5. Is your wife a Roman Catholic, Matt? I was under the impression she might possibly be of the Sikh, Hindu, or Budhit persuasion, but then, maybe I was guilty of racial profiling. Or maybe it's you parrot that is Roman Catholic.

  6. Alexis--

    I'm glad you got a laugh from "The Better Marriage Blanket." I make sure to show that to people when the topic of commercials comes up. It never fails. I wonder exactly how many they've sold?

    RE: Holy Water. I can believe it! I think the Duggar's recently went to Israel and were rebaptized in the river Jordan. It makes me shudder, even though I know it's completely sacreligious to be that way. the Ganges River, especially. My StepDad has worked for a water company for almost 40 years and the stuff he tells me about the water we're drinking here disgusts me. Seriously, I'm glad we have a well.

    Jared sounds like a nice boy. It's a shame that you're still sick, though. How long is staying? Maybe if you're feeling up to it, you could take a short walk around your house or something? Probably not though, right. :( When are they saying you should be over mono?

    Sorry it took me awhile to respond. My Aunt April and 4 out of the seven children were at my house Saturday night. They were in the area to see a play and stopped by to say hi. I guess they decided on Abigail if #8 is a girl, and David for a boy. David would be after my late grandfather, and Abigail is something that we dug up from one of my many baby name books, but it's also the name that Uncle Jeff has been pushing for all 5 girls. Overall, I'm quite pleased. Then on Sunday night my Aunt Tracy had us over for a dinner thing. Doctor's won't let me eat, but they let me drink only because I can vent it back out through my g-tube, so I had two cups of gingerale but forgot my bag for my g-tube at home, so Sunday night wasn't exactly wonderful in the terms of my stomach/ esophgaus, and I am never drinking gingerale again!

    I hope Jillian was able to pass her kidney stone successfully without the zapper. How is she doing otherwise?