Friday, March 6, 2015

Judge Alex, My Touched Mother, Dirty Laundry, and Other Equally Weighty Matters

not my own laundry, by the way; I don't have a clothesline, and it would take three of me to fill up those granny panties or boys' briefs or whatever they are

I have what my mom considers a very obnoxious tendency of airing dirty laundry -- my own and everyone else's -- in public. In this particular case, i sent pictures of myself to Judge Alex for the sole purpose of showing him that I am getting fatter. you may think I'm a typical girl with typical-girl body image issues, and I think i'm too fat, and I'm lamenting the idea that I'm gaining weight. almost nothing could be further from the truth. My dad sometimes refers to me as an albino Somalian refugee, and he's not all that far off the mark. Such is particularly the case when he references one of the pictures of me from a year or two ago wearing a swimsuit.

One of the pictures I sent to Judge Alex was one of me wearing a swimsuit. Thie knowledge of my having done this very nearly sent my mother directly to the nearest psych ward. (All it take in California is , I think, two doctors signing an order to that effect, and the person may be placed in such a facility even against his or her will.  i'm not sure which two doctors in the family would have risked my mother's wrath by signing papers to have her temporarily committed (she's quite lucky my brother and I are not yet licensed to do so) but there was just cause from her reaction to my having sent photos of myself to Judge Alex.

"What in the hell are you try to do to the poor man? Break up his marriage?" she demanded

Let us be real for just a moment. If photos of skinny little me, looking all of seventeen on a good day even if I am actually twenty, were enough to break up any marriage, that marriage was destined for Divorce Court  just as much as if a voluptuous woman had sent nude selfies to the man.9(I'm neither voluptuous nor did I send nude selfies, just to clarify matters.)

I would like to think Mrs. Ferrer has more confidence in herself and more faith in her husband (who was, after all, once voted the most trustworthy man on television)  than to be threatened in the least by photos of a pale skinny little girl who looks like she's maybe but not for certain recovering from some life-threatening illness.  She is from all accounts a beautiful, intelligent, articulate, talented woman in her own right. What about photos of someone who is younger than her younger child and looks even younger than that, in addition to looking somewhat malnourished, would ever make her doubt her husband? We must face facts here: my own mother is touched in the head. (This is one of  my favorite Okeyisms.) 

possibly where my mother belings

I'm not going to post what I sent to the judge, but I'll post another one, and you tell me whether you would look at it and think the sender was trying to be a seductress or more likely begging for alms for the poor because of her state of thinness.

This pretty much sums up how I ended up with the name Anorexis.
Returning to the topic of Judge Ferrer, however . . . I have a possible career idea for him. I think he would make a great judge on one of the Law & Order genres. I haven't had time to pay much attention, so if they're all ending shortly, he could be a judge on another Dick Wolfe series such as Chicago PD or Chicago Fire, both of which surely need judges from time to time,  He could portray a judge realistically even if he had no acting ability, and I suspect he has some actual ability in that area. when I finish studying and have time to come up for air, I shall start a grassroots movement to persuade Dick Wolfe to cast Judge Ferrer as a judge n one of his procedural shows.

Note to the bored reader or readers .who may be seeing this blog for the second time: i edited it to remove the two extra identical pictures of Judge Ferrer. I admire him tremendously and like him -- maybe even love him in an appropriate uncle/niece-like sense as much as you can love someone you've never met in person --  but i never intended to post three identical pictures of him on the blog. That would just be weird. I'm not sure how it happened.


  1. LOL... I air too much dirty laundry, too.

    1. i personally think that's what blogs are for.

  2. I feel safe in the fact that all my real friends know I'm crazy, but tolerate me anyway. I like your brother's nickname for you: Lexus.

    1. My true friends know me as eccentric as well and accept e as i am. some of them are more eccentric than i, though they would argue that point.

      "Lexus" dates back from the days when Matthew couldn't pronounce Alexis, and it stuck. it was "Baby Lexus" for a long time because i was smaller than he was. Our kindergarten teacher insisted the "Baby" part of the nickname had to go because the other children were calling me that, too, and were treating me like the class baby because I was considerably smaller than the rest of them. She did me a favor. if not, some of them might still be calling me Baby Lexus.

      When we were in preschool, a boy who was bigger than i but close in size to my brother pulled me off playground apparatus and caused me to split my chin open. My brother pinned the perp to the ground, got right into his face, and yelled, "NOBODY hurts Baby Lexus!" Only God knows what my brother would have done to the kid had a preschool teacher not intervened.

      Incidentally, we've heard that the kid who hurt me went on to be a convicted spousal abuser with at least three different women. I don't know why women kept marrying him, as he had neither good looks nor charm in his favor. Perhaps if the preschool teacher had let my brother deliver a few punches, it might have done him some good. One can never really knw what goes on in another child's home, but there was no evidence from the demeanor of either of his parents or from the behavior of his siblings that he grew up with a violent home life. he was jsut a bully, as far as i know.

    2. Jono, in reading more fully, you were probably referring to the nickname "Anorexis." That one was actually given to me not by my brother (my parents NEVER would have allowed that, at least within earshot) but instead by a debate opponent in an 8th grade language arts class. We had an incompetent teacher whom the district knew after about the first week of school that they would not be rehiring for the following year, but it was cheaper to allow her to not teach us nothing all year and to continue to remit her salary through June than to fire her for cause, even though they had enough of a case against her to outrightly terminate her employment early in the year or mid-year. Anyway, her specialty was having the students do most of the teaching so that she didn't have to plan or prepare anything. The year consisted entirely of student presentations of various sorts.

      One such assignment was a debate. Our topics were whatever we came u with ourselves. I believe my opponent and i were debating the relative merits of the state allowing members of the same sex to marry. The teacher didn't bother to moderate this or any other debate. she was too engrossed in Vogue or Cosmo. 9Some days there were no lans even for student presentations. On those days, those who were so inclined rad or did work form other classes, while other studemts chased each other around the classroom in "Cowboys vs. Native Americans" style.

      We were typical middle-schoolers, so our debate soon escalated into something resembling one of Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin's old SNL "Jane, you ignorant slut" styles of debate. What my opponent actually said was, "Anorexis, you ignorant slut." The name stuck. Years later, other students much less clever than my debate opponent who actually coined the term tried to take credit for coming up with it themselves. The boy who actually invented the nickname was far more clever and intelligent than any of those who tried falsely to take credit. We became friends in high school and are still in contact.

      Other kids except for my friends, whio were saying in in a non-hurtful way, eventually quit hurling it at me as an epithet, because I was not bothered by it (I thought it was inventive), and when they can see that there's no sting to what they're saying, eventually even the dumbest of one's detractors will give up on a particular insult. The originator of the term still calls me Anorexis. I'm not bothered in the least. i instantly know who is calling when he addresses me as such.

      Someone at RFM was bothered to the point of derision when I made reference to myself having sometimes been called Anorexis. I think the person felt that I was somewhat proud of having a body that one might confuse with that of a bona fide. There wasn't time or space to explain, so i just let the matter go. A few people at RFM are constantly on the prowl for verbal battles. I refuse to engage them.

      P.S. I'm not exactly the fat lady singing at the end of an opera or any other event, but my body is looking less anorexic with each passing month.

    3. Jeez, how much older is that guy? If you're only 20 and he's been married three times already, he must be a real prize.

  3. I must admit I look forward to your sending me your posts, I have no time, or interest, in soap operas so your sharing your "dirty laundry" fills that void. Just kidding. What can I say you are a pip and your mom .... Is a mom .... Being certifiable often goes with the territory. Trust me on this one. BTW glad you are gaining weight, my dgtr 19 weighs 84 lbs we are going crazy trying to find ways of her gaining back too. Looking forward to the storyline for your next weeks episode!

    1. Marianne, I don't want to ask more than you're comfortable sharing, but is your daughter as bothered by her weight as you are and as i was, or does she want to be thin?

    2. She has mast cell activation disorder allergic to almost all foods, environmental allergens and even most bottled waters. She only has five safe foods right now that don't cause ANA or respiratory reactions. She would very much like to find safe foods to gain weight back And have energy so she can get her life back. We will get there.

  4. My lowest weight after a surgery was 84 when I was 19. i'm now a whopping 92. There is hope. Try half a bottle of Guinness twice a week.