Saturday, December 17, 2011

My Own Infomercial, for Which I'm Not Even Being Paid

If I were allowed, I would have done a video version of this infomercial, except that I don't yet have the product in hand, which would've somewhat diminished the infomercial video's effectivity.

Is your marriage or domestic partnership as strong as you believe it to be? Can your love withstand anythingARE YOU SURE? 

Many divorces and other broken relationships, while officially written off to the ubiquitous "irreconcilable differences," are truly irrevocably bifurcated (nice word, huh?) by the seldom discussed problem of  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . nighttime flatulence. Yes, that's right, faithful audience of five.  You may think the terms  of      ". . .  For better or worse, for richer  or poorer, in sickness and in health"  include "non-flatulent or flatulent," but many nocturnal gas-passers have learned otherwise  --  the hard way.

Many over-the-counter pharmaceuticals offer solutions to this problem, but how much Beano or Gas-X can one person consume, and do those products really work? A recent survey of those exiting family courts across the nation clearly indicates the limitations of over-the-counter and even prescription medical remedies for this problem.

DO NOT LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP GO DOWN THE TUBES BECAUSE OF WHAT IS COMING OUR OF YOUR (OR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S) TUBE AT NIGHT!!!! A simple, affordable solution is available. For just 79.99 (single-bed size, though why do you really need this product if you're sleeping in a single bed?) or 89.99 (Queen/Deluxe-size), you can own the Better Marriage Blanket. 

The Better Marriage Blanket has the feel of a soft down comforter, but instead of goose feathers, this blanket uses NASA-quality technology (forget about the two exploded space shuttles or the astronaut Lisa Nowak, who drove all the way from Houston to Orlando in astronaut diapers armed with duct tape, pepper spray, a BB gun, and an apparent plan to kidnap and harm another astronaut who was a romantic rival; none of that is relevant) to embed the blanket with carbon and other materials capable of absorbing the odor of   flatulence produced by a ten-ton elephant.  You or your spouse may have grave issues with flatulence, but surely the gas produced by one party or the other in your relationship isn't any more odoriforous than that produced by the proverbial ponderous pachyderm?  If this prodcut can preserve an elephant's relationship, it CAN do the same for yours.

Think about it. $89.00 versus attorney's fees alone, never mind that for which your soon-to-be-vicious-ex-spouse (if it's a domestic living arrangement of which you are a part, there won't necessarily be legal fees, but the humiliation  of  airing one's [literally] dirty laundry  in front of a nationwide  audience on Judge Alex , The People's Court, Judge Judy, or Divorce Court  is probably worse than forking over actual cash) will take you to the cleaners.  $89.99 plus $14.99 in shipping and handling costs (there's an added ten bucks for international orders; my condolences to the cheese-cutting Aussies and their lovers out there) is a clear bargain in this conundrum. Save your relationship or your marriage. Stay off national TV or out of divorce court. Fork over the $89.99 plus postage and handling.  It may very well be the best investment you'll ever make.

I credit Becca for the inspiration provided for this infomercial.

1 comment:

  1. ... I thought you were joking @___@ holy cow