Monday, January 17, 2011

Uncle Mahonri

My dad asked me if I could write about something besides my immediate family for a change. In order to comply with his wishes, I have chosen to write about someone in my extended family on Dad's side. The subject of today's blog is, in case you missed my title, my dear, sweet Uncle Mahonri.

Uncle Mahonri is married to my dad's younger sister. Despite this, Uncle Mahonri is about eight years older than my dad. I've tried to figure out the timeline for this and the reasons for the age gap between Mahonri and his wife. I've yet to com up with a credible explanation.

The LDS church likes for men to marry shortly after returning from their two-year missions -- ideally within six months. Mahonri waited something like six years and six months before marrying my aunt. I've been told by people who should know that there were no earlier marriages for Mahonri. Furthermore, if one of the head honchos of the LDS church told Mahonri to Krazy Glue a purple Easter egg to the top of his head, he would almost certainly do it without thinking twice, which renders the idea that he simply ignored his church leaders' directive to marry soon after escaping from his mission a virtual impossibility. The only possibility left is that it took Mahonri six years and six months to get a girl -- any girl -- to say yes to his proposal of marriage.

Unfortunately for everyone in our extended family, my aunt was the one girl foolish enough to accept Mahonri's marriage proposal. She was roughly a week past her eighteenth birthday when she officially became engaged to him. She was not yet eighteen-and-one-half when the marriage took place.
My dad was on another continent serving his mission when the dirty deed took place. He says now that if he had known what as a$$ his sister was marrying, he would have tried to prevent the marriage either ny kidnapping his sister or by getting Mahonri really drunk and putting him on a train headed for someplace very distant.

My dad says that his first glimpse of Mahonri was at the airport in Salt Lake City (dad's parents had lived in Florida but moved to Utah while my dad was on his mission). My dad had to visit the bathroom shortly after getting off his plane. While he was in the men's room, he noticed a fat guy taking large handfuls of toilet paper and putting it into a bag, which he then carried out of the men's room. A few minutes later at the baggage carousel, my aunt introduced my dad to the fat toilet paper thief as her husband. Now everyone in the family hides their extra rolls of toilet paper whenever Mahonri is coming to visit because they know he will steal any toilet paper that is not nailed down. He also liberally helps himself to salt, pepper, and other condiments when the hosts or restaurant wait staff are not looking. He pours the stuff into Ziploc bags that he keeps in his pockets. He figures that he has saved himself and his immediate family thousands of dollars through this practice. He has trained his children to do the same. They're all a bunch of cheapskate kleptomaniac crazies. I may be the one who spends most of my time in a lockup facility, but trust me, I have far crazier relatives than I running loose.

Mahonri's eccentricity isn't limited to his frugality and sticky fingers. He also claims to receive personal revelation regarding everyone in the extended family. His revelations concerning me have mostly been along the lines of why I'm too skinny, and how purchasing vitamins that his wife sells will solve all my problems. Oh, and once he had a revelation that my father needs beat me more frequently. That happened right after I put Saran Wrap under the seat and over the bowl of a toilet in my grandparents' house. It is very fortunate for me that my dad does not place much stock in Mahonri's revelations.

Mahonri has some very peculiar beilefs concerning the lost tribes from the Old Testament. He claims to know where they are. He places his hands on a globe and prays, then he says that the globe becomes hot in certain spots where the lost tribes are located. So far, he's identified the Basque region bordering France and Spain, the Isle of Man, the northern Scandinavian Lapland region, the Azores, some place in Appalachia, and Greenland as the hot spots. He also says that the tribe of Levi is actually in the center of the Earth near its core. They're wearing special suits designed to protect them from the intense heat.

The last time Mahonri was at my parents' home, he even stole the toothpaste from all the bathrooms. I told my parents that they should buy a case of toothpaste for his family for Christmas so that he doesn't have to steal it anymore. They did, and my Uncle steve and his wife gave Mahonri's family a case of toilet paper. Mahonri was allegedly disappointed when the presents were unwrapped. He probably feels that it is a waste to receive s Christmas gift of something that he can very easily steal.

My grandparents turn a totally blind eye to Mahonri's blatant disregard for the Eighth* Commandment. They think their daughter found a real catch.
The rest of the family -- even the devout Mormons, which are most of the family -- is seriously afraid that whatever ails Mahonri has might be contagious.

My parents wish for me to add that I am speaking for myself and not for the rest of my immediate family. They neither confirm nor deny their assent. Their official comment is "no comment." My brother wishes to add that I am speaking for him.

*Catholics number the commandments differently, but I believe "Thou shalt not steal" is nuber eight according to the LDS system.


  1. Is this a conscious effort to start Armageddon, or are you so dumb you don't realize this will cause a MAJOR rift?

  2. Neil, sometimes the best course of action is to keep quiet.

    Really. It is.

  3. Thanks, Matt.

    Neil, I merely wrote what everyone else is thinking. You know it is true.

    Regarding Armageddon: If anyone chooses to tell Mahonri, hard feelings will probably result, but maybe real change will occur as well. Do you know what it is like to have nothing better with which to brush your teeth than baking soda when you're having major digestive upsets and have a terrible taste in your mouth from having to take a lot of medication to boot? Uncle M. caused a real hardship to me personally when he helped himself to all our toothpaste late one night last May.

    Either no one will tell Uncle M. about my blog and he'll continue with his sticky-fingered or kleptomaniacal ways (I'm uncertain as to precisely what motivates his thievery), or someone will tell him and, after his conniption fit regarding the evilness of moi, the reality of my words may possibly sink through his skull.
    I can live with either possibility.

    My parents wish for me to add that I am speaking for myself and not for the rest of my immediate family. They neither confirm nor deny their assent. Their official comment is "no comment." My brother wishes to add that I am speaking for him.

  4. I think this might help
    Well, maybe not!

  5. We bought Colgate for Mahonri and his crew because my mom got a great deal on it at Costco. Costco must've been seriously motivated to move the stuff off their shelves. Mahonri and his brood all have thos big Osmond teeth, so they do probably use a little more of the stuff per brushing than is typical, although one wouoldn't glean that from catchin a whiff of their breath. How can people who don't drink coffee -even really little kids--have persistent coffee breath?

    I personally liked the Crest commercial. It was less of a hard sell, certainly, but I always liked "The Addams Family." The tV show was so much better than the movie. I enjoyed the notation that Crest was studied for over twelve years. Back in those days it may not have been easy to find anyone who kept their real teeth for over twelve years.

  6. Dear Alexis,

    I could have called you to tell you this, but I thought it would be good to share it with your readers as well. Our mutual relatives are telephoning each other in Utah, Idaho, and Nevada to discuss what you have written. A few of them even called me, though I don't know why. As you might have predicted, they're not favorably impressed.

    I remain, however, your loyal fan.

    Uncle Steve

  7. You should use an anagram's of Uncle Mahonri's name:

    Hernia Column
    Incur Manhole
    Runic Manhole
    Aileron Munch
    Mourn a lichen
    A lemon lunch

    Are just a few of the many available.

  8. Uncle Steve, thanks for the uplifting message. It seriously made my day.

    Matt, I think I like Hernia Column and Runic Manhole the best. If I have trouble sleeping tonight, I now have something to do with my idle hours! Thanks!

  9. OMG... this was a hysterical post.