Thursday, May 5, 2011

Home Again, Home Again: Teenage Alcoholic or Not?

I'm back at home briefly to take part in a couple of athletic events. I have a track meet tomorrow. Almost two months ago I had greater than average success in my hurdling events after downing a beer the night before. In the interest of science I'm repeating the experience. I have a bottle of Guinness ale, which I am dowing as fast as I can. It really doesn't taste all that wonderful to me, and I have to plug my nose to get it down. Then I have to find a good hiding spot for the bottle, because I'm not going downstairs to dispose of it tonight. Even one beer leaves me entirely too happy to escape my parents' detection and consequently be the recipient of an informal breath check. Tomorrow it will be easy enough to drop the bottle into a neighbor's recycling bin.

I'm going to bed right after finishing the beer and brushing my teeth. Then if my parents happen to come in to ask me something, they'll attribute my lack of coherence to being woken out of a sound sleep as opposed to being tipsy. My parents were relatively cool about it last time I drank a beer, but instincts tell me it was a one-time amnesty experience and that, were I to be discovered again, I wouldn't walk away from the situation totally unscathed. My parents will read this, but not for awhile because they're very busy, and it will be old news and the statute of limitations will have expired before they get to catching up on any of my blogs.

Lest any reader be of the opinion that I need to hook up with Alcoholics Anonymous, AlaTeen, or whatever rehab institution that so sucessfully cured Lindsay Lohan's problems, this is only the second beer I have consumed in my life, and I've never drunk anything harder. I'm experimenting with the idea that a beer the night before enhances my hurdling performance the following afternoon. If I totally suck tomorrow, I'll know that the first time was a fluke, and I'll leave the beer alone. If, on the other hand, I break any more local records the day after consuming the beer, I may have to consider the apparent cause/effect relationship.

If such happens, I may consult the director of my mental health facility, who does ot technically manage my case but does oversee my care. Does anyone know if a doctor in California can legally prescribe small quantities of low-alcoholic-content beverages to a minor for therapeutic purposes?

I relly don't want my experiences to turn into a Lifetime Channel movie entitled, "Alexis A., Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic." I may not be able to convince anyone of the sincerity of my approach -- that I'm legitimately experimenting to see if the relaxation effect and resultingly better quality of sleep after consuming twelve ounces or beer, or ale, or whatever it really is, as I don't know the difference, can result in a stronger athletic performance for me. As far as drinks go, I'd choose grape Kool-Aid any day over just about any other beverage.

Furthermore, even if my research indicates that there is athletic benefit to my consuming a beer the night before a track meet, I wouldn't choose to drink a beer the night before each competition. For one thing, the impact might lessen over time. I'd savw my aaace-in-the-whole for the most important athletic events -- qualifying meets, league, divisional, are , or state meets.

Incidentally, I haven't a clue as to how consuming alcohol the night before a competition would impact my diving. I have two sports with which to concern myself. If I begin drinking before important competitions of both sports, I may as well make a reservation at the Betty Ford Clinic.


  1. But Guinness is not just a beer! It is a food and a medicine!

    The adverts used to say: "Guinness is Good for you!" (Google's translation into Welsh is "Guinness yn dda i chi!")

    Good luck with the race, by the way.

  2. Hi Matt!
    I hurdled well. I broke one league record on a particular distance at which I hadn't previously broken any records, and I won my other two event. We also won the relay.

    Dr. Jeff has an interesting suggestion. I think he may be willing to talk to my parnts about the situation. He thinks I should drink about one-third to half of the berr, wait twenty minutes or so, thenn eat something high calorie, such as ice cream, and to eat as much as I feel like eating. he thinks I should then consume the rest of the beer and go to sleep. He said that way i would get both the relaxation/better sleep benefits of the beer in addition to the increase of appetite, which ispurported to be a benfeit of ale in particular.

    I wonder if my parents will listen to him.

    I hope my cousin is OK, too, and i hope my parents are suuccessful at locating her this summer. they siad i can't go laong for the ride just in casse anything becomes either dangerous or really ugly. it's OK; i'll stay with my pseudorelatives and have a good time.