Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Best Songs Have Already Been Written

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Best Songs Have Already Been Written: I'm a musician. Mostly I play piano and violin,  even a little tuba or miscellaneous low brass for a good cause, and I sing when a situation...

The Best Songs Have Already Been Written

I'm a musician. Mostly I play piano and violin,  even a little tuba or miscellaneous low brass for a good cause, and I sing when a situation calls for singing. One thing I don't do, however, is write music. My reasons for not writing music are two-fold.

First and foremost, I have no desire to write music. I don't have a strong desire to create, period. In my family, we're not artists of any sort except to the extent that musicians are considered artists. We're all happy to play the works of others. Sure, I've thrown a few chord and scale patterns together and passed it off as the work of Handel, Bach, or Mozart on occasion mainly for the purpose of illustrating someone else's pretentiousness, but as far as writing real music -- either melody or words--  I'm simply uninspired. Judging by some music I've heard recently, others are similarly uninspired yet do not let that get in the way of recording and making a buck. For me personally, at this point there's nothing I want to share with the world through the composition of original music, and I suspect the world at large is a better place for my knowing my own limitations.

My second and equally compelling reason for not writing music is a deep and abiding belief that the best music has already been written. Would-be composers of my generation are not likely to come up with anything to rival the works of Bach and Mozart, of Irving Berlin, of Gershwin, of Lennon and McCartney, Paul Simon, Billy Joel, James Taylor, Don McLean, Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Carole King, Dylan, Roger Waters, Billie Joe Armstrong, Andrew Lloyd Weber, or even Gordon Lightfoot, to name just a few. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and since I remember feeling this way, a few songs I really appreciate have come into existence, so I've certainly been wrong about this, just as I've been wrong about many things. For this reason, I would never actively discourage anyone else who so desires from writing melodies or lyrics. I still believe the odds are heavily stacked against anyone coming up with anything original that is truly worth hearing, but as long as there is life, there is hope, or so it has been said.

I'll close with an excerpt from a truly great song. It's probable that before this song existed,  there were people who felt as I do about new music. If so, I'm glad Don McLean didn't listen to them.


I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before
But the man there said the music wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The church bells all were broken
And the three men I admire most-
the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost-
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died



Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Do they really think we're THAT stupid? "Keeping ...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Do they really think we're THAT stupid? "Keeping ...: I shouldn't admit that I ever watch this show. others with whom I am in contact do not waste their time on such drivel.  I admit that it's l...

Do they really think we're THAT stupid? "Keeping up with the Kardashians" Revisited

I shouldn't admit that I ever watch this show. others with whom I am in contact do not waste their time on such drivel.  I admit that it's less intellectually stimulating than watching my dog empty her bladder, but still, it's a train wreck from which I cannot turn away.

Right now I'm watching the Angie Everhart episode again. In terms of celebrities, I'm not the most devoted follower on the planet. I don't usually read tabloids and am not typically up on the latest news in terms of what celebrity is sleeping with whom. A celebrity has to be on CNN's web page for me to have an idea what's going on in his or her life. in the grand scheme of things, the Kardashians are tabloid fodder and little more.

I just wonder how much the Kardashians and their producers honestly expect us to believe. Are we expected to accept that both Mr. and Mrs. Jenner are embarking on relationships that are clearly headed in the direction of affairs? That they're doing this in full view of the ever-present cameras? Do they expect us to believe that Mrs. Jenner really treats Bruce Jenner the was she does when he's Bruce Jenner and she's nobody?   I especially like the episodes when the viewers are treated to a moral "Sunday School" type of lesson from Mrs. Jenner. What next, Charles Manson coming on the air to discuss the ramifications of the commandment, "Thou shalt not kill" ?

And according to her mother, Kim Kardashian could be an FBI agent in, like, two seconds. Is this the same Kim Kardashian who couldn't even manage to stay out of a nude videotape? Yep, she'd make a great FBI agent. Hell, just put her in the Secret Service. She'd fit right in with all the nonsense that went down in South America recently. And now we've been let in on the secret that Kim Kardashian has a sixth sense and can smell when someone has a cavity. Why don't dentists hire her, or people like her, because if such a sixth sense even exists, surely Kimmy isn't the only one with it? Dental patients everywhere could be spared unnecessary radiation exposure from xrays because Kim Kardashian or someone like her would use their sixth senses to determine the presence of cavities. The possibilities are endless. And stupid. She has a sixth sense to determine the presence of cavities just like I have the ability to walk through brick walls or my brother has the ability to wash dishes properly.The plot lines of the programs are not believable, nor is the dialogue. I shouldn't be watching this garbage because it is slowly but surely rotting my brain.


The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Going to Catalina!

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Going to Catalina!: The first thing tomorrow I'm driving south just a bit with a rather  large entourage to harbor where we can catch a boat to Sana Catalina Is...

Going to Catalina!

The first thing tomorrow I'm driving south just a bit with a rather  large entourage to harbor where we can catch a boat to Sana Catalina Island, which is approximately twenty-six miles into the Pacific, according to a song from the dark ages. I bought ginger snaps to take on the boat in order to combat motion sickness. I'd rather not take ondansetron, as I don't want to waste time being sleepy, and my help will be needed with taking care of small children on the boat  That same song purports that Catalina is "the island of romance." but my intentions are anything but romantic. I'm going there mainly to parasail. The chance even of grabbing a beer is extremely slim as most of the people traveling with me are Mormon, but I'll keep my eyes open and grab any possibility as it presents itself. I'm not a heavy boozer, but I like to plug my nose and drink a half-bottle of beer on occasion.


My temp was still in the low-grade fever range when I woke up this morning, but went down to normal before noon. It may go back up tonight, but should be gone entirely by tomorrow. If it doesn't it will be my secret.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: All-Stars Edition of Dancing with the Stars

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: All-Stars Edition of Dancing with the Stars: I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. One night a few years ago my mom was channel-surfing in her room while attempting to pass a kidney sto...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: All-Stars Edition of Dancing with the Stars

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: All-Stars Edition of Dancing with the Stars: I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. One night a few years ago my mom was channel-surfing in her room while attempting to pass a kidney sto...

All-Stars Edition of Dancing with the Stars

I don't watch Dancing with the Stars. One night a few years ago my mom was channel-surfing in her room while attempting to pass a kidney stone while I was sitting on her bed. She paused just long enough for us to watch a very small portion of Dancing with the Stars. What we saw was Marie Osmond in a rag doll costume, doing what was easily the most hideous dance I could ever imagine. The memory continues to haunt me. My mom said she'd rather deal with another kidney stone than watch Marie Osmond's dance again. Probably the only thing that would be worse for me would be if I had seen Kate Gosselin in action on the show, or if Rumer Willis were on the show and I had the misfortune of seeing it.

Now a reprise of sorts -- an All-Star edition of Dancing with the Stars, has been announced. The "stars" slated to appear on this extra special edition of the show include Kirstie Alley (former Weight Watchers spokesperson and a Scientologist), Pamela Anderson (someone who played bimbo roles in the olden days on TV and maybe in the movies as well), Drew Lachey (former Mr. Jessica Simpson), Apollo Anton Ohno (former Olympic speed-skater), Shawn Johnson (gymnast), Joey Fatone (singer-actor),  Helio Castroneves (race car driver), Kelly Monaco (I have no idea who she is),Melissa Rycroft (no idea who she is either), Emmitt Smith (former dallas cowboy running back), and [brace yourself} BRISTOL PALIN!

You read correctly. One season of torturing the television-viewing public of America with Ms. Palin's stiff yet apoplectic movements that the network was kind or blind enough to call dancing was not enough. The experience is going to be repeated for those of us who were lucky enough to miss it the first time yet might be less discerning in terms of our television viewing for the upcoming round.

If the network is truly reflecting the wishes of the majority of viewers by re-contracting Bristol Palin for this gig, why not take it one step further and hire her mother, Sarah Palin? Virtually everyone who voted for Bristol  in her previous incarnation of DWTS was casting a de facto vote  for Sarah Palin, anyway. Were Bristol not a close relative of Sarah Palin, she wouldn't have lasted to the second round of DWTS, nor would she have been invited to be on the program in the first place.  Furthermore, while I'm not a fan of Sarah Palin either ideologically, politically, or intellectually, I saw her on Saturday Night Live. She has some rhythm and can probably dance better than the average DWTS contestant --certainly better than her daughter does.

Better still, why not just award the medal (or whatever it is the winners get) either to Helio or to the speed-skater and call it a wrap?










The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Women's Olympic Gymnastics Leotards Rock!

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Women's Olympic Gymnastics Leotards Rock!: If I had known the Olympics uniforms were going to be such a gorgeous sparkly dark pink the year I was seventeen, I might either have fought...

Women's Olympic Gymnastics Leotards Rock!

If I had known the Olympics uniforms were going to be such a gorgeous sparkly dark pink the year I was seventeen, I might either have fought my parents harder when they banned me from gymnastics or sneaked around behind their backs to train. The odds would have been astronomically against me, anyway. Only five girls in the nation are wearing them today, and I wasn't anything resembling a shoo-in even to make it to the trials. I don't have the ideal build. I'm  small, but I'm long-legged with a small torso, which isn't optimal because longer arms and legs get in the way, and even before the injuries and illnesses struck me, I wasn't that strong. Furthermore, I don't think there was anything i would have been able to say that would have changed my parents' minds. Still, those uniforms are incredibly hardcore. When someone starts selling knockoffs, I may have to purchase one.


Friday, July 27, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: All My Dysfunctional Children: The Next Chapter in...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: All My Dysfunctional Children: The Next Chapter in...: Randy Jackson now say that he fears that the executors of his late brother's estate will kill his mother when she goes to court to ask for s...

All My Dysfunctional Children: The Next Chapter in the Continuing Jackson Family Saga

Randy Jackson now say that he fears that the executors of his late brother's estate will kill his mother when she goes to court to ask for shared guardianship of Michael's three children. exactly where did Randy Jackson find  mushrooms wild enough  to inspire that amazing paranoid trip?

Additionally, it was reported that one of Katherine's daughters (presumably not LaToya, as she's shown the good judgment to remain uninvolved  in this most recent Jackson family foray into batshit craziness) persuaded someone to present himself or herself as a doctor to Katherine Jackson in order to persuade her to travel to Arizona.

This real-life soap opera gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. I know I'll discover a new development each time I turn on my laptop. Since i'm feeling quite lousy, it's nice to have something positive in my life, even if it's something incredibly negative in the lives of three minors. I would gladly sacrifice my own entertainment for more peace and stability in their lives, but since i have no control over the situation, it makes not difference, anyway.

I wonder if the judge-mandated investigation into the welfare of the three Jackson children could lead to "assault and battery on a minor charges" against Janet Jackson.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Minor Illness/Jackson Update/Upcoming Plans

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Minor Illness/Jackson Update/Upcoming Plans: With the number of doctors in my immediate, extended, and pseudofamily, I seldom visit a doctor's office, but, unfortunately, that's precise...

Minor Illness/Jackson Update/Upcoming Plans

With the number of doctors in my immediate, extended, and pseudofamily, I seldom visit a doctor's office, but, unfortunately, that's precisely where I am right now. I'm not in the waiting room, at least. I feel compassion for those who are less connected in a medical sense than I. Physicians' waiting rooms are a virtual smorgasbord of pathogens. I'm going to suggest to my Uncle Steve that he invest in  pagers similar to those used by Olive Garden and other restaurants, which would give patients (or their parents' in the my Uncle Steve's case, as he's a pediatrician) the option of waiting in their cars if they wanted to avoid becoming sicker than they already are. i understand that it wouldn't necessarily be fun to wait in a car with a two-year-old, but it might still be preferable to the alternative.

I developed a gastric ailment almost immediately upon returning home from Utah. .My parents feel reasonably strongly about giving garden variety ailments time to remedy themselves and about not over-medicating me or my brother just because they can.  I've been existing on 7-Up with just the bare minimum of Ondansetron, but my temperature is high enough that my mom wanted me to be seen by my physician of record, who is my Uncle Steve. I begged my mom to wait until tonight and take me to uncle steve's house, but she said that he doesn't want to diagnose and treat patients in his time off any more than does the next physician. While there may be truth in her words, what is the point of my being Uncle Steve's favorite niece if I can't even seek after-hours medical treatment? It's now a moot point, because i'm sitting in my uncle's private office waiting for him to come in, do his best Benny Hinn impersonation, and make me well again. I'm even using his office computer to type this entry.

The latest turn in the surreal world of the Jacksons is that T.J. Jackson and Katherine Jackson will petition the court for joint custody of Prince, Paris, and Blanket. This seems like a most satisfactory arrangement for all directly involved. A judge has ordered an investigation of the welfare of the children in the form of interviews that will take place at school, A report of the findings of the investigation will be accessible only to the judge. This, too, while routine,  Dysfunction in one form or another exists in most of our extended families. The inclusion of extended families in all out lives can be a great benefit and blessing, yet it's tricky to be much a part of a large and diverse family without being bogged down by the drama and dysfunction. i genuinely hope Prince, Paris, and Blanket will find that often-elusive balance.

And speaking of extended families -- dysfunctional or otherwise -- my brother and I have been invited to travel a short distance  to Santa Catalina Island with Jared's extended family. Jared's grandparents, all of his dad's siblings, and all of their wives and children will be on the trip. fared and his cousin alyssa are the only two older teens in the family, and the grandparents invited my brother and me to make the trip more fun for Jared and his cousin Alyssa.  The plan is for a Monday morning departure, with a return to the mainland Wednesday afternoon. it sounds short, but there's not all that much to do in Catalina, anyway. Two days should be about right. The trip is one of the reasons I agreed to a doctor's office visit. I don't want this pseudoillness to get in the way of my alleged frivolity.

On a totally unrelated note, a  well-known British tweeter recently tweeted: "Americans, this mitt person is some of American Borat: right?" Too perfect.




Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Talking Heads and Gladys Knight: Stop Defending Ja...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Talking Heads and Gladys Knight: Stop Defending Ja...: I wrote earlier that I wouldn't blog about the Jacksons anymore right now, but I couldn't resist. Sorry. was just watching a HLN segment a...

Talking Heads and Gladys Knight: Stop Defending Janet Jackson

I wrote earlier that I wouldn't blog about the Jacksons anymore right now, but I couldn't resist. Sorry.

I was just watching a HLN segment about the Jacksons. Talking heads were suggesting that Janet may have been right about Michael's Legacy as it pertained to keeping his children out of the spotlight as it pertained both to Paris taking a role in a movie and to Paris' and Prince's Twitter activity. While There may have been an element of truth in Janet's sentiments, her manner of acting out on her feelings was absolutely not what Michael Jackson would have wanted for his children. Michael grew up with a father whose parenting bordered on abusive at the very least, and he had strong feelings on the subject; Janet or anyone else slapping Paris is probably very nearly the last thing Michael Jackson would have wanted. He wouldn't have been much happier with his sister calling his child a "spoiled little b---h.

Gladys Knight  and various talking heads are having a field day with the whole "Who's the adult here?" conversation. If we're going to talk about who is the adult, let's consider who was acting the least mature in the conflict. Who uttered the first expletive? {Janet Jackson] Who hit first? }Janet Jackson} So if Janet Jackson is to receive deference and respect for being the adult, shouldn't she first behave as one?

Paris and Prince were wise to resist when Janet, Randy, and Jermaine attempted to take them to Arizona. They might very well have been mistreated had they gone. They would have traveled to a location where they would have been under the total control of people who are jealous and resentful of them. If Janet would slap Paris in view of observers, what might have happened behind closed doors?

Finally, in preparing his will [which has already been found to be valid], Michael had every opportunity to name any of his brothers or sisters as guardians for his children. (His failure to name his nephew T.J. is less significant in my opinion, as Tito Jr. would have been under thirty years old when the will was prepared, and was as such, probably too young for consideration at the time.) Instead, the other person named by Michael Jackson as a guardian for his children was non-relative Diana Ross. That should have been an indication to Janet Jackson as to where she stood generally in the grand scheme of secession to guardianship of Michael Jackson's children, which was behind Diana Ross, but possibly ahead of Nancy Reagan.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Jacksons, My Dad, and Parasailing

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Jacksons, My Dad, and Parasailing: My dad says I've sunk to a new all-time low in blogging by writing about the Jackson family.  I asked him if he would prefer that I write ab...

The Jacksons, My Dad, and Parasailing

My dad says I've sunk to a new all-time low in blogging by writing about the Jackson family.  I asked him if he would prefer that I write about his family instead. He said if that was the alternative I should continue to make a donkey of myself by blogging about the Jacksons. It's a moot point right now, anyway, because I have no new thoughts about the Jacksons to share. I have no new thoughts about my dad's family to share, either.

I'm still winding down after yesterday's enthralling experience. The PseudoRelatives celebrated by going parasailing today. While I would never have intruded on their special day together, and my weight is really too low to parasail right now anyway,  the one time I did parasail was an absolutely mind-boggling experience. I intend to repeat it as soon as I can, which is not likely to be all that soon, as the one  time I parasailed, I had to forge my dad's signature on the parent consent form. I will be eighteen on December 2, which happens to fall on a Sunday this year, so I won't have classes on that day. Weather permitting, I WILL parasail. Weather NOT permitting, I will skip classes on the next fair-weather day on which I do not have a final exam. I have over four months to gain enough weight to make parasailing a safe proposition. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.

Good night and good luck.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: As the World Turns: Days of the Jackson Family's L...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: As the World Turns: Days of the Jackson Family's L...: Drama continues to surround the Jackson family. Celebrities from Dr. Drew to Gladys Knight (whose opinions differ by about one-hundred-eight...

As the World Turns: Days of the Jackson Family's Lives

Drama continues to surround the Jackson family. Celebrities from Dr. Drew to Gladys Knight (whose opinions differ by about one-hundred-eighty degrees) and a motley crew of notables and not-so-notables in between, have weighed in with their opinions. Dr. Drew stated (or agreed with a guest who stated such; I can't recall which with certainty) that Michael would be proud of Paris for standing her ground. Gladys Knight suggested Paris was very much out of line in tweeting the family's dirty laundry, that her aunt Janet Jackson was right to call her on it, and, had Paris called Gladys Knight what she called Janet, Paris wouldn't have any teeth.

Unless Gladys Knight is privy to details of the altercation between Janet Jackson and Paris Jackson of which the general public is not aware, it is my contention that she, Gladys Knight,  misspoke. according to the reported account of the fracas, Janet Jackson called Paris a "spoiled little b---h," to which Paris responded,  "This is our house, not the Jackson family house. Get the f--k out!"  Again, if Gladys Knight knows something the rest of us don't know, it could put a decidedly different perspective on things. As it stands, however, while expletives were hurled on both sides, the only name-calling in that particular exchange came from Janet, not Paris, and the initial incidence of profanity came from Janet as well.

Moreover, Ms. Knight, you may very well have been raised in the south with a specific  tradition that mandates respect of one's elders, but i would hope that those elders whom you were commanded to respect were in better control of themselves than was Janet Jackson on the day in question.

Prince Michael may or may not have weighed in on the situation via Twitter. It's at this point still unclear as to whether or not the tweets, some of which were removed, were authentic.

Janet Jackson reportedly has money of her own and has no need of a chunk of Michael's estate. I'm not sure if I believe this or not. Regardless, Jermaine and Randy do have a perceived need of the funds in Michael's estate.

I understand where Michael was coming from in outlining his will to provide for his heirs in the manner he chose. My parents, while comfortable financially, hold a combined wealth that would probably not pay the monthly fees that go to those charged with managing Michael Jackson's estate. Still, my assumption is that my parents' will stipulates that the holdings go to my brother and me, and that their own siblings are expected to fend for themselves financially except for the idea that anyone charged with overseeing my brother and me either physically or financially would be compensated. I assume also that my parents would have provided for my father's mother in the event that she survived my parents, were it not for the fact that her finances are secure.

Michael's siblings are not entitled to maintain a lifestyle any more affluent than what they can support through their own respective means and employment. Had Michael chosen to extend his wealth a bit further in their direction, the story would be different. His will, however, has already been found to be valid, and nothing Al Sharpton alleges is likely to change its presumed validity.


What Jackson's siblings do stand to inherit, unless terms of either Michael's will or of any will written and signed by Katherine Jackson dictate otherwise, is one-eighth of Katherine Jackson's twenty per cent of Michael Jackson's estate when she eventually dies. The irony here is that, if Michael's siblings were to be granted control of his estate, the portion of their late brother's estate they each might ultimately hold, under their own likely less-than-competent-management, would in all probability equal less than one-eighth of twenty per cent of the estate under its current management.




The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Champagne Flowed Freely, or Would Have, Anyway...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Champagne Flowed Freely, or Would Have, Anyway...: I worked as a paralegal this week. I'm not  licensed in any way to be a paralegal, but one is not required by law to have any sort of certif...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Champagne Flowed Freely, or Would Have, Anyway...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Champagne Flowed Freely, or Would Have, Anyway...: I worked as a paralegal this week. I'm not  licensed in any way to be a paralegal, but one is not required by law to have any sort of certif...

The Champagne Flowed Freely, or Would Have, Anyway, if We'd Been Anywhere but Utah

I worked as a paralegal this week. I'm not  licensed in any way to be a paralegal, but one is not required by law to have any sort of certification  in order to work as a paralegal.

My PseudoAunt handled a case involving an eighteen-year-old girl who was married on the morning of her eighteenth birthday. She had told her parents she was engaged. They were not in favor of the marriage for a variety of reasons and told her they wouldn't contribute anything substantial for the wedding because they were concerned about the cery real possibility of paying for a divorce in the immediate future, although they did offer to host a small reception in their backyard.

When the girl woke up early on the morning of her birthday, her fiance picked her up. She thought he was merely taking her out for breakfast. She soon learned, however, that she was traveling to her wedding. (The wedding had been planned for four weeks later.) The two of them drove a little less than two hours  to a town in central Utah that begins with the letter M and ends in i. There they went to an LDS temple, where his family was waiting. Someone had temple clothing for her, and in an LDS temple a person doesn't really have to have a standard wedding dress, per se, because it has to be covered with other temple clothing items anyway. She went through the temple ceremony with members of his family acting as her guides, then entered a sealing room, where she was sealed to her fiance for time and all eternity. Her own mother was at home baking a birthday cake for the girl, and thought her daughter was still asleep in her bedroom. Her parents were and are holders of temple recommends, and would have been eligible to attend her wedding.

When the girl's new husband demanded that she use her ATM card to get money out of her meager checking account to pay for their two-day honeymoon, she wondered if what he had told her about working full-time as a paramedic had been an embellishment. Actually, it was an outright lie. The only employment the man had was a paper route that earned him less than two hundred dollars a month, and he had no savings.

Marriage, or so  i've been told, is a difficult institution in which to live under the best and most luxurious of circumstances. The young couple's circumstances were far from luxurious. the best they could do in terms of living arrangements was a tiny bedroom/bathroom combo above her parents' garage. Her parents were hurt by the circumstances surrounding the secret wedding and their omission for the ceremony, but didn't want to leave their daughter homeless.

The girl had secured a part-time job as a teacher's aide at an elementary school not far from her parents' home. The job wouldn't begin until mid-August. She had cleaned out her checking account to pay for the hotel and restaurant meals on their two-day honeymoon. They ate food from her parents' food storage supply (most Mormons maintain a two-year supply of food) heated in a small microwave her parents had put in their tiny quarters.

An argument over the proper way to put a roll of toilet paper on its holder led to an assault. The girl's parents took their daughter back into their home, put ice on her bruised and swollen eye,  and called the police on her husband. He was asked to leave, but claimed squatter's rights. Police forcibly removed him from the bedroom/bathroom combo.

The man's father, who is an LDS bishop, though not their bishop, wanted to provide counseling  to the couple. The girl's parents assumed it was probably advice from him or from people not much smarter than he is that led to the hasty marriage in the first place, so they told him to stay away from their daughter. A temporary restraining order was obtained.

In one phone communication that was illegal because of the restraining order, the guy told the girl that he was fighting any attempt at divorce, and that he would not make it easy. Then my PseudoAunt became involved. As an attorney, she advised the girl and her parents that an divorce could be obtained with or without the guy's consent, and it wouldn't be all that complicated because there were no children and very little community property. She thought there was an outside chance at an annulment, which would invalidate the marriage, or declared that it had never  existed legally in the first place.

Today was the court date. Had a divorce been needed, a ninety-day waiting period would have been in effect because Utah has a mandatory ninety-day waiting period after filing before any divorce is granted. no such waiting period is required when the marriage is declared never to have existed in the first place, which is what happened. The annulment was granted, along with a three-year restraining order.

My job as the paralegal was to keep all documents and papers in order so that I could hand them to my PseudoAunt when she requested them, as well as to type notes of anything PseudoAunt requested that I type. It went without a hitch.

PseudoAunt was phenomenal. If I'm ever accused of a crime, I want her to defend me. if I decide to rue someone, i want her to represent me.

The girl was very happy to have her life back, and her parents were most grateful to my PseudoAunt for the way things worked out.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Life Is Too Exciting for Sleep

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Life Is Too Exciting for Sleep: I need to be asleep right now, but I cannot. I'm making my first court appearance as a paralegal tomorrow. I'm not a certified paralegal, bu...

Life Is Too Exciting for Sleep

I need to be asleep right now, but I cannot. I'm making my first court appearance as a paralegal tomorrow. I'm not a certified paralegal, but certification is not required, and no current national certification exists anyway. My PseudoAunt says I'm at least as qualified as the average rookie certified  paralegal and that I'm a quicker study than most of them, which makes me of more use to her.

I still cannot disclose precisely what I'm doing, although if the adversary reads this, he or she (I'm giving out nothing here) already has an idea.

My PseudoAunt's mom had two attorney suits custom made for me, and I have four silk blouses and a strand of cultured pearls to wear with them, along with two sets of 1 1/2-inch heels (just right for my small feet). PseudoAunt, as an attorney, already had the attire. Even with the haute couture, PseudoAunt and I will both  look like we showed up in court for "Take Your Daughter to Work Day," but we will at least be suitably [no pun intended] attired.

PseudoAunt has acquired written authorization to have a physician seated at her table with her at anytime she so chooses in any legal proceeding, sort of like Campbell Alexander, the character portrayed by Alec Baldwin in My Sister's Keeper, was allowed to have a service dog in court because of an undisclosed medical condition that turned out to be epilepsy. (I knew when the character and his dog  first were introduced in the book version that the dog was a seizure dog. Jodi Picoult laid out far too many clues and shouldn't have bothered with the pretense of keeping the illness hidden if she was going to give away so much. It's great to make the reader think he or she is smart, but too much is overkill. Additionally, as far as the movie version goes, I didn't like the change in ending from the way the book ended. )

PseudoAunt has a really good dog, Pippa, Pippa is a Golden Retriever/Labrador mix.  I'm trying to talk her into having Pippa certified as a service dog. PseudoAunt has cystic fibrosis. (It's a bit ironic that she has cystic fibrosis, as. my dad and his two brothers are carriers, as is their mother [it's more common in the French Canadian population than in the North american population at large] but none of my grandmother's descendants has the phenotype and the disease. Doctors have assumed I have it because of my French surname along with my small stature, slight build, and skinny little neck, which give me the classic look of a CF patient, but I'm clear. PseudoAunt is Cuban-American on both sides, and Cubans aren't known for any predisposition toward the condition.) The dog could be trained easily enough to press a medic alert button in the event that PseudoAunt were unable. PseudoAunt just says "maybe" when I bring the idea up to her, but she says even if Pippa were certified as a service dog, she still wouldn't bring her to court. She says it would be just one more thing about which to worry.

PseudoAunt's dad's computer is going to be set on Skype Mode so PseudoUncle can watch her first actual court appearance. (She has legal permission to Skype for the benefit of a legal associate in California who is on call in the event that she bccomes ill.) She's drafted many legal documents since she received notice that she passed the bar about eight months ago, but this will be her actual court debut.

If things go extremely well, we'll be finished with everything before mid-morning. We still have the hotel suite in case we need it, or we can go back to the condo where we spent the previous night.

I'm a little nervous, more for PseudoAunt than for myself, but just a bit jittery for myself as well. I'm more excited than nervous, though. It's going to be a great day. F. Lee Bailey and Mark Geragos, be afraid! Be very afraid!


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Trying Extra Hard NOT to Keep Up with the Kardashi...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Trying Extra Hard NOT to Keep Up with the Kardashi...: My friend Jared was channel surfing while i was working tonight. He settled on an episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians." My dad is 10...

Trying Extra Hard NOT to Keep Up with the Kardashians

My friend Jared was channel surfing while i was working tonight. He settled on an episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians." My dad is 100% correct that the commercials aired in the breaks are more compelling than is the program itself.

The Kardashians are pathetic actors. Their show seems incredibly scripted -- poorly scripted, but very much scripted. The characters are, for the most part, very unlikable and unrelatable. Khloe, her husband, and Rob are the only remotely tolerable characters on the program.  I force myself to like Scott Disick just because kris jenner pretends to hate him so much, but even that seems scripted. The plot lines are straight out of "Jumped the Shark."  Mr. and Mrs. Jenner are having supposed  affaires du couer with the cameras rolling. Who believes this nonsense? What possessed Bruce Jenner ever to agree to stoop to such levels?

Is Scott Disick even on the program anymore?

I'm convinced that I could get together with any one of my real-life friends or Internet friends and in less than an hour, we could come up with a script for a half-hour program on just about any given topic that would be both more realistic and more interesting that the garbage spewed forth by E! on this particular program.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Bristol's Parenting Skills, the Liberal Media, and...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Bristol's Parenting Skills, the Liberal Media, and...: Bristol Palin is currently at the center of some rather negative publicity surrounding her parenting skills. I'll relate the incident as dep...

Bristol's Parenting Skills, the Liberal Media, and Politicizing the Antics of a Three-Year-Old

Bristol Palin is currently at the center of a hailstorm of rather negative publicity surrounding her parenting skills. I'll relate the incident as depicted in the footage I watched before giving my admittedly opinionated, inexperienced, and judgmental take on what was shown.


In the clip from footage taken for her  Lifetime reality series, Bristol's three-year-old son, Tripp, wanted to go swimming. She told him that he couldn't because "there's a bunch of drunks down there." 


Tripp, Bristol's offspring, was less than pleased at having been denied permission to swim.. Trip hit his aunt  while announcing that he hated both her and his mother. Willow told Tripp he was going to have soap put into his mouth. Tripp called her an inappropriate word. 


The word may have been "faggot." Bristol alleges that it was "fuck it." In syntactical context, "faggot" would have made more sense, but it wouldn't exactly have  been the first time a three-year-old  committed an error in syntax. Furthermore, it wouldn't have been the first time a member of the Palin clan of any age --  never mind. What I was about to write wasn't very nice. I'll quit while I'm ahead.


Bristol and Willow giggled. Bristol tried to tell the child, "God is watching you" through her giggles, but her manner seemed facetious even as she said it. There seemed to be only the most cursory attempt on the part of Bristol to conceal her amusement at her child's unfortunate choice of words. Both Bristol and Willow  told the child to go to time out. He didn't go to time out. Neither Bristol nor Willow physically took the boy to the chair in which he was told  to sit. Neither did Willow produce the soap that she said was going to be put in his mouth after his first inappropriate words to his aunt and to his mother. I'm not suggesting that to have put soap in the child's mouth would have been a good thing, but I am asking why Willow brought it up in the first place if it were nothing more than an idle threat? The clip ended shortly thereafter with a voice-over from Bristol conceding, "I'm doing a terrible job disciplining Tripp." [Duh!] "I know he's going to continue to push the boundaries."


As to whether Tripp actually said "faggot' or "fuck it,' I'm not convinced it matters nearly so much as Bristol and even some of her detractors seem to think. Yes, the use of  "faggot" is particularly hurtful and is offensive to the  LGBT, PFLAG, and other supportive and sympathetic segments of society (I wasn't even trying for alliteration here),  but both words are atrocious additions to the vocabulary of a three-year-old.


Bristol's first parenting misstep [her first misstep in this particular clip; it's doubtful that it was anything close to her initial misstep as a parent] was telling her child that he could not swim because of the drunks in the area of the pool. Why would a three-year-old need to be told that he couldn't use a pool because drunk people were using it? Why does he even know what drunk people are, unless he's seen them up close and personal in real life? Either take him outside and let him swim in the pool for just long enough to tire himself out so that he'll rest well, Bristol, or simply tell him no and give him something else to do.


Meanwhile, Bristol's sister and Tripp's aunt Willow attempted to interject her own authority into the mix. This, too, was inappropriate. Willow should have allowed Tripp's mother to deal with him, at least until the point when he hit Willow.  I get that Willow has been involved in Tripp's upbringing from practically the very beginning, and when she's caring for him in the absence of his mother, she should have every right to apply reasonable discipline when a situation warrants it, but stepping in when his mother was present was in effect undermining her, albeit unintentionally. In the end it didn't seem to matter, as both Palin sisters served as the epitome of a "how not to" example of disciplining a toddler. Both appeared utterly clueless when it came to handing out and enforcing appropriate consequences.


In a later interview, Bristol tried to excuse her child's language, while saying she did not approve of it, by blaming it on the "adults" who are frequently around Tripp. Why is Tripp allowed to be in the presence of adults who use inappropriate language in his presence on a regular basis. I will say here that my own father has a vocabulary that would rival that of the average longshoreman (Do longshoremen really curse profusely, or is that an unfounded stereotype?), but that he censors himself in his work life, in the presence of people he does not know well, and especially in front of all children. I was surprised to learn at around  the age of fourteen that my father even knew any swear words, and he's practically the King of Expletives.. A responsible parent does not use profanity around his or her child except in the most extenuating of circumstances (a heavy object dropped on one's toe comes to mind here), and restricts his or her children's access to others who are unwilling to do the same. Self-respecting adults -- even teenaged barely legal  adults -- filter the words that come from their mouths when children are present. Bristol's explanation for Tripp's knowledge of whichever F'-bomb he actually uttered speaks abysmally of both the character of the adults to whom Tripp is exposed and of her own parenting practices.

So many issues have gone unaddressed and questions have gone unanswered, at least to the public, by Bristol. Under ordinary circumstances, I would applaud her refusal to answer to the charges and to keep some vestige of her personal life to herself . . . except that she chose to open her life, as though it's a public library book, for cameras to film and for all the world to view in the form of a Lifetime channel reality show.  She aired her  highly compromised parenting skills for anyone and everyone to see. People who saw it are going to ask questions. Bristol can answer the questions or ignore them, but they're not going to go away.

Bristol might say I'm in no position to criticize her because I haven't walked any distance at all in her shoes.  Becoming a parent at the age of eighteen is far from easy, which is why I have no intention of following in Bristol's footsteps in that regard. I'm not critiquing her choice to have sex, and I'm not promising I won't do the same at some time in the next few years before I'm married. I am saying, however, that I will use the most reliable forms of birth control on the market before I have consensual sex. Parenting on camera, likewise , is not an easy task. That's why I'll never do that. We've all seen enough of "John & Kate + 8" and similar programming to know that reality television seldom brings out the best either in children, parents, or families. It's  all  but impossible that I will ever be extended the offer of participation in  a reality series with or without any future children I may produce, but in the event that the inconceivable actually occurs,  I won't take the offer. With very limited exceptions (the Osbournes come to mind here), few have gone into reality television and emerged still in possession of their souls.

Bristol expressed displeasure with the "liberal" media for "politicizing" the actions of her three-year-old son. Perhaps "politicizing' is in the eye of the beholder. Certainly the media had a field day with the incident. What Bristol seems not to understand, though, is that by contracting with Lifetime network to star in her own reality show, she opened herself up to public scrutiny of her parenting skills -- parenting skills which arguably failed to hold up under the microscope of public scrutiny.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Katherine, Prince, Paris, and Blanket

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Katherine, Prince, Paris, and Blanket: Major drama is happening between the Jackson family.  The late Michael Jackson's mother, Katherine, has been taken from her home. Her depart...

Katherine, Prince, Paris, and Blanket

Major drama is happening between the Jackson family.  The late Michael Jackson's mother, Katherine, has been taken from her home. Her departure may not have been entirely voluntary. She has been taken to Arizona, where she remains, reportedly in the care of her daughter Rebbie, under the orders of the physician who testified on behalf of the doctor who was found in a court of law to be directly responsible for Michael Jackson's death. The general public has no way of reliably knowing what's really happening here. furthermore, the Jacksons are mere celebrities. Perhaps I shouldn't care except to the degree that any moral person should have a vested interest in the well-being of our society's most vulnerable, the elderly and the young. I, for one, am most uncomfortable with the idea that either Mrs. Jackson or Michael's three children Prince, Paris, and Blanket, are perhaps being taken advantage of by Michael's greedy siblings.

I call Michael's siblings greedy because it is my contention that they are resentful of their mother and of Michael's offspring because Mrs. Jackson and the children are the heirs to Michael's estate. I don't for a minute believe that Michael's siblings share the narrowest shred of genuine concern either for their mother or for their late brother's children. It is my opinion that they will conspire to get their hands on Michael's money in any way that they can.

God protect Katherine, Prince, Paris, and Blanket.


The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Fatima and John Paul

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Love In Its Purest Form: I have a dog. He's a golden retriever. We say he's a golden retriever, anyway. He's from the SPCA and didn't come with papers. Chances are t...

Love In Its Purest Form: Our Lady of Fatima and John Paul III

I have a dog. He's a golden retriever. We say he's a golden retriever, anyway. He's from the SPCA and didn't come with papers. Chances are that he has something else mixed in, because he's awfully smart and quite healthy, and I've heard that mixed breeds often are both more intelligent and healthier than are purebreds. Other than as it relates to his health, it really doesn't matter. My family wanted a good pet to be a part of our family, and that is exactly what we got.

Our present dog has been part of my family since I was ten. He joined our family a mere six days after our previous dog died.  My parents adopted her -- our first dog -- from the SPCA shortly after they lost premature twins at birth. They needed something to at least partially fill the void in their lives. While lost children can never be  replaced, Our Lady of Fatima came as close as anything or anyone ever could to accomplishing that impossible feat.

To my mother fell the unenviable task of choosing a dog at the SPCA. Had my father been part of the process, he'd still be there trying to make a choice. Once they had agreed to get a dog, my dad told my mom he just couldn't do it, but that he would love whatever dog she brought home. My mom said choosing a pet was hard. There was a temptation, she said, to pick the most pitiful creature because the one she might most have been drawn to was a dog someone else would probably have chosen as well, while the pitiful creature might have been on his last legs in terms of how much more time the SPCA was going to grant him to be adopted before the unthinkable happened. In the end, my mom said, she forced herself to remove that thought from her mind and to select the dog that would best fit our family, but the process, she said, was torturous

Our Lady of Fatima, whose name was abbreviated to Fatima because the full moniker was too cumbersome,        was also predominantly golden retriever. She may have had some Irish setter thrown into the mix as well, but again, it made no difference whatsoever in the process of choosing her. My parents wanted a dog who would help them to be less lonely, and she filled the role as though she had been bred and born for that sole purpose.

Fatima was already a family member before my twin, Matthew, and I arrived on the scene.  The three of us first became acquainted before Matthew and I were born when Fatima, sitting next to my mom after a long day of work, would respond to the kicks or other discernible movement within my mother's womb by gently tapping her paw against my mother's midsection. My mom said the nonverbal communication between  Fatima and the babies would sometimes go on for up to five minutes. My dad didn't believe it and thought my mom was delusional until he witnessed the spectacle himself. He captured one instance of it on camcorder, and it's been preserved for posterity.

My mother came home from the hospital with just Matthew after the two of us were born, because at just two pounds, two ounces, I was too small to leave the hospital. My parents say when they walked in the door with Matthew, they immediately held him at Fatima's level. She sniffed him, then stopped and looked at my parents quizzically. (I swear that I'm not making this up. If anyone's making it up, it's my parents. It's what they've always told me.) Fatima went to wherever Matthew was in the house. If either of my parents took him away from home, she could be seen in the window waiting for their approaching car when they returned, and would greet them at the door from the garage entrance into the kitchen. Still, they insist, she seemed unsettled, and whined a great deal.

Five weeks and two days after my birth I was released from the hospital. My parents took Matthew with them to the hospital, and the four of us arrived at home for the first time as a complete family. Fatima stood at the door waiting as we came in. My dad says he held both of us at her level for to see. She sniffed Matthew, sniffed me, then looked at my parents with an expression that they say could only be identified as relief.

From that point, Fatima's mission in life was to protect Matthew and me. She would no longer sit on the sofa with my parents while they relaxed or watched TV in the evenings after we were in bed. When it had been just Matthew at home, she slept under his bed. Once I arrived, she positioned herself very nearly equidistant between our two bassinets, wherever they happened to be placed.

Nothing or no one lasts forever, including dogs. Fatima developed lymphoma, oddly enough since it was and is one of the two malignancies my father researches. She was treated with chemotherapy, but developed pneumonia and died in her sleep at home. It was the saddest day of my life. I didn't want another pet to join our family.

I'm very thankful that my parents were wise enough not to listen to me. One dog can't replace another, just as a baby can't replace a lost child, but it can help to fill the hole in one's heart created by the loss. My mother went to the local SPCA, this time with my brother. They came home with another dog possessing the golden retriever phenotype. The dog was approximately six months old and was  male. My mother would have preferred that Matthew pick a dog other than one that was predominantly golden retriever, since it would have made it easier for all of us to accept this new pet on its own terms rather than expecting it to become Fatima, but he was the dog Matthew wanted, and ten-year-old Matthew cried when my mother gently suggested that he look at some of the other dogs. She relented, and the rest is history. My dad named him Pope John Paul III, in honor of the late pontiff John Paul II who had only recently passed. The full name  only appears on his official records. He is and always has been simply The Pope or Pope for short.

My resolve to have nothing whatsoever to do with The Pope lasted until he pushed his way past my mom and Matthew through the door and into our home. Matthew always thought the dog's loyalty should have been to him, since he was the one who chose The Pope from the shelter, but The Pope was especially taken with the wild-haired little girl in the family. He would defend any or all of us against an attacker, but if we were to go to battle against one another, the dog would protect me.

The Pope is now about seven-and-one-half years old.  He runs with anyone in the family who goes for a run, fetches, and brings in the newspaper. He gives his very deepest bark when he senses anything or anyone might be a threat to his family. By day, he wanders the premises, ensuring that nothing or no one lurks in the shadows. By night he sleeps wherever I am. Had we let him out the night a brick was propelled through my window,  the perpetrators would have scars to show for their trouble. The night I was accidentally left on the sofa overnight and fell trying to get to my wheelchair, The Pope had eaten something that should have been inedible earlier in the day and was spending the night in the pet hospital. If he had been in the house, I would not have lain on the floor for hours developing a kidney infection. He surely would have barked loudly and continuously until someone came to my aid.

If someone -- anyone --  had tied Fatima or tied The Pope, in or out of  a carrier, to the roof of a car, I would likely be charged with assault and battery of that person. I say likely and not absolutely because in order to commit an assault on any perpetrator of abuse against Fatima or The Pope, I would first have to compete with my father, my brother, and my mother for the honor. I can easily outrun my mom, but my brother and my dad have much longer legs than I.

The idea of any one of us doing such a thing to our dog is beyond possibility. I would myself ride on the roof of a car long before I would allow anyone to put my dog there.

**********EDITED BECAUSE MY PARENTS TEMPORARILY IGNORED CONFIDENTIALITY CONCERNS AND CONCEDED THAT JUST THIS ONCE IT'S OK FOR ME TO REFER TO MY DOG AS WE ACTUALLY ADDRESS AND REFER TO HIM******************************

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Secret Mission/Killer Headache/ The Jacksons

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Secret Mission/Killer Headache/ The Jacksons: I'm on a top-secret mission in a location that I will be able to divulge tomorrow. It's been exciting up to this point. My friend (just a fr...

Secret Mission/Killer Headache/ The Jacksons

I'm on a top-secret mission in a location that I will be able to divulge tomorrow. It's been exciting up to this point. My friend (just a friend at this point) is also here.Today was a fact-gathering part of the mission, as tomorrow morning will be as well. Tomorrow afternoon will involve putting the whole operation together.
My job involves typing and being an errand girl. I don't mind it.

I have a serious headache.  I toughed it out until it got to the point of tossing cookies. My uncle gave me some medication. The anti-nausea meds have already kicked in. The pain medication should kick in soon. I'll probably konk out at that point. Right now I'm deciding whether to walk upstairs under my own power or stay here and force someone to carry me upstairs once the medication kicks in. I'm leaning toward staying right where I am and accepting a free ride to bed.

Nothing terribly exciting with the presidential campaign is happening at the moment. The Jackson family, as in Michael Jackson's family, is making up the news deficit for everyone else who is lying low and staying out of controversy. The late Michael's mother is supposedly in Arizona. she's resting under orders from a physician who testified on behalf of the physician who was convicted of being responsible for the late Michael Jackson's death. A couple of hours ago a physical altercation between unnamed participants at Katherine's home. Allegations concerning elder abuse, financial mismanagement, and forged wills, among other things, are being bandied about.i can't help wondering if any of this would be happening had Michael Jackson's financial situation not taken a dramatic turn in the direction of solvency following his death. Had Mrs. Jackson been forced to rely upon Social security and AFDC checks and his or her own funds to provide for Michael's children, I seriously doubt anyone in the family would be fighting over her.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyvi...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyvi...: The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyville : I'm going to create a  game. I'll call it Romneyville. It will exist in board and co...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyvi...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyvi...: The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyville : I'm going to create a  game. I'll call it Romneyville. It will exist in board and co...

An Unholy Alliance

My brother and I are friends now. We started out that way. For a time in between our early years and the present, though, we were not friends. The way in which our relationship has evolved  is interesting, but i suspect not all that unique.

Because Matthew and I are twins, except for the five weeks or so when I was still in the hospital and he was basking in my mother's undivided attention at home, always been together. I am the older twin. The doctors knew from ultrasounds that one baby was average-sized but one was tiny. The decision was made to take the tiny baby first in the Caesarean delivery to get a jump-start on the resuscitation efforts if necessary. To this day, I don't believe Matthew has forgiven the doctors for the decision that led to his being the second'born twin. It gave him  bit of an attitude -- a complex, really, not unlike a Napoleonic complex. Since then, he's had a need to prove that he was large and in charge, or something like that.

Early on, Matthew was my protector. if my mom was upset with me, he would distract her. he knew she wasn't going to hit me or do anything like that, but it really bothered him when my mom was mad at me. my mom wasn't always very patient with me. For some reason she thought I was a complete drama queen by the time I was about fifteen months old. Whenever I had  minor childhood boo boo, she had a tendency to roll her eyes. Matthew learned to put band-aids on my wounds, He was my protector at preschool and at CCD. My dad still tells the story of the time he arrived a few minutes early to pick us up from preschool to find Matthew pinning another little boy to the ground. He was on top of the kid and right in his face, saying, "NOBODY hits  Baby Lexus." That's what he called me -- Baby Lexus -- until in kindergarten, when the teacher made him stop because all the other kids in the class were calling me that as well and treating me like an infant because I was so much smaller than everyone else in the class.

By the time we were about six, his statement could have been amended to "Nobody hit Alexis, except me!"
truthfully, we fought constantly, though our fights almost never escalated to the physical level because our parents would have killed us. It was actually a pretty level playing field. I was smarter. He was stronger. Even though we weren't allowed to knock each other senseless, I knew I had to be careful because his size advantage was enough that if I pushed anything too far, I might regret it.

We made car trips sheer torture for our parents. We dared and taunted each other into truly dangerous stunts, including the infamous occasion when I performed a back walkover and cartwheel on the second-story roof beam of our home. If push came to shove, we probably knew that we loved each other, but we certainly didn't like each other very much.

The very beginning of Matthew's adolescence was as rough a time as our relationship ever reached. A hormonal fourteen-year-old boy isn't  easy to like, even for the fourteen-year-old boy himself. It probably didn't help that other kids teased Matthew about having a baby for a twin sister. It probably made it even more difficult on the rare occasions when we had to be in the same section of a class in high school. I was normally willing to do the bare minimum of work  to secure an A in a given course, but if Matthew or his friends were in the class, I did what was necessary to achieve a perfect score, all for Matthew's benefit. It was showboating to the maximum degree, and it wasn't very nice on my part.

Matthew made it through that early period of adolescence and emerged as a human being  at just about the time a boy very cruelly broke off a prom date with me after I had been seriously  injured at a track meet. By the time I was assaulted in a school restroom, he was almost back to the "NOBODY hurts Baby Lexus" phase.

Most of the time I really don't need anyone to fight battles for me. I'm reasonably good at staying away from controversy for the most part. i do like the idea that we're allies rather than adversaries now. My brother is the person with whom I've shared more experiences than anyone in the world. Boyfriends and girlfriends will likely continue to come and go for the next few years. I only have one surviving brother, however, and only one twin in the world.  It's  tie that I hope never will be severed.




The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyville

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Romneyville: I'm going to create a  game. I'll call it Romneyville. It will exist in board and computerized versions. The object of Romneyville will be t...

Romneyville

I'm going to create a  game. I'll call it Romneyville. It will exist in board and computerized versions. It would work best in a Facebook app format, a la Zoovile and Farmville,* but I highly doubt Facebook wants to add this game to its stable.The object of Romneyville will be to hide your assets and avoid taxation. The more assets you hide, the less you are taxed. The less you are taxed, the more assets you will be given to hide. It will be a viciously cyclical game.  The game pieces will be either miniature Romney busts, or mini-busts in the images of the five Romney sons. To avoid having to pay royalties to any of the real-life Romneys, I'll probably need to change the spelling of Romney. I don't know if I prefer Romny or Romnie, or perhaps even Romnay. I'll change the sons' names as well if I use them as player pieces.  Pitt, Witt[less], Wogg, Fogg, Dogg, Hogg, Sunn, Dinn, Tabb, Sabb, Radd,  Jedd, Tedd, Nedd, etc. It's not all that complicated.

I haven't decided how tithing fits into the picture. I suppose tithing could be used as a tool to help players pay fewer taxes. That's how it's sometimes used in real life. I suppose players could also use their tithing as a reason other players should not inquire into their finances. That, too happens in real life.

The little player piece figures will contain computerized chips that cause the figures to laugh uproariously whenever another player becomes poor. I doubt that the real-life Romneys have time for such nonsense, but it seems like a nice touch, just the same. The permanent Mitt piece at the center of the game will sing a bad rendition of "America the Beautiful." The Mitt piece will be rigged to sing anytime anyone successfully hides a sum of at least ten million dollars in a foreign account. My brother will record it for me. When he tries, my brother can sing just like Mitt Romney. Why anyone would ever want to sing just like Mitt Romney, though,  is a question for the ages.


*The game could feature baby Romneys popping up frequently, just like in real life, and you'd have to log in in time to feed them before they expired.





Name That Band

I'm not heavily into volunteerism. When I earn money, my parents insist that I contribute 10% to a church or charity. I usually give more than the 10% they asked me to donate, not because I'm overly generous but because some worthy cause usually presents itself after I've already made my planned donation.  From time to time I've also played piano free of charge for people or organizations that could not have afforded my services, but my contributions have largely been gifts of cash rather than of my time.

So it was rather flukish set of circumstances that placed me in my present volunteer/ community service situation. I help local bands find names, research the legality of the names where necessary, and make the connections to  help bands to trademark their names when they're willing to invest the funds to protect their bands' names.

The vast majority of bands remain geographically local to their area of origin. Most will not become nationally or internationally known.  Name use with regard to local bands isn't terribly complicated. Local bands take their names very seriously and are quite protective of their bands' names, but still the procedures are straightforward. The rule of thumb is that a band doesn't use a name that is already being used in one's own city or geographical area. If another band in another area uses one's name and makes it big, unless the name was previously trademarked or documented, chances are that the band who achieved the most success will be found to own the name if ownership of the name ever reaches the point of litigation. In general, if no documentation procedures were initiated, the first band to record under a name will be found to be in ownership of that name. When a conflict exists, sometimes one or both groups will modify it very slightly.

U.S. trademarking typically costs  $325.00 (Class1) plus attorney fees of roughly $150. Trademarking only covers the nation in which something was trademarked. I'm obviously not yet an attorney, so I make referrals to attorneys for actual trademark filing. I could probably manage the paperwork, but I wouldn't want to charge bands for the work, but it would be too much work to do gratis.

A less expensive way of protecting a group's name is to create a Wikipedia page about the group listing the date the group was created, and monitoring the page frequently to ensure that it is not edited  to reflect less advantageous dates than the correct ones.

My favorite aspect of band naming is helping individuals in a band to come up with a name. I got started with this when someone in one of my classes didn't have a name for his band. One day before class, he asked those of us who were in the classroom before the professor appeared to give him ideas for names for his band. My suggestion was "Smith Family." My classmate liked the name for his all-Asian-American group.  He told others where he got the name, and members of other unnamed or inadequately named bands began to approach me for suggestions.

When I'm asked,  I usually think for a few minutes, then write down five or so names for the band to ponder.  I'm now more organized than I used to be. Whenever I give out a list of names, I write them down for myself as well as for the person who asked. I get a phone number so I can find out if the band used any of my suggestions If they're sure they don't want unused names from the list I gave them, I make a note of it.. Then if I really like one of my unused suggestions, I can offer the name to another group if it's fitting.

This hobby gives me connections to a group of people I probably otherwise never would have known. Broadening one's social experience is or should be a part of everyone's education.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: An Electronic Gadget That Must Be Invented Yesterd...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: An Electronic Gadget That Must Be Invented Yesterd...: This item needs to be invented forthwith and hopefully not for a price that will require me to need to surreptitiously hock my paren...

An Electronic Gadget That Must Be Invented Yesterday



  • This item needs to be invented forthwith and hopefully not for a price that will require me to need to surreptitiously hock my parents’ few valuable possessions.
    What I desire is this: a TV, or a device that I can plug in to my existing TV, that will block any actor, entertainer, TV personality, or person in the news  whom I disenjoy watching or hearing. (I know disenjoy is not an actual word, but it works, so I'm going with it.) I still want to be able see the original program or movie, but I want the offending actor or personality’s image blacked out (or possibly visually overdubbed with the image of my choice, which would be that of Jesse Spencer) and the offending voice either erased or distorted, perhaps into one of those adult voices heard in the Charlie Brown movies.
    For the record, off the top of my head, the first people I will block are everyone one with the surname of Romney, Marie Osmond, Kate Gosselin,  and Rumer Willis. The Romneys because obviously., Marie Osmond merits inclusion because she ranks right up there with the Romneys both in the "Mormon Entitlement" department as well as  in the sheer annoyance factor. Kate Gosselin gives me nightmares, and furthermore causes me to appreciate my own mother; at my present  age of seventeen,  I elect not to spend undue time appreciating either of my own parents.  Rumer Willis you will agree, if you have any clue as to whom she even is, is deserving of inclusion on my list of exclusion because I she is arguably the least-talented person to have been seen on a TV program or in a movie since the onset of the 21st century.  
    Please tell me that this device exists or will exist before my next birthday (December 2) and that I won’t have to leave me parents without an estate to will to me in order to own it.
    Gung hay fat choy, because somewhere in the world it's probably New Year's 
    Alexis, and no, I'm not drunk


The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: In Defense of Wikipedia (sort of)

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: In Defense of Wikipedia (sort of): Last night I announced a plan to limit my academic research sources to Wikipedia and to the sources cited in related Wikipedia articles. In ...

In Defense of Wikipedia (sort of)

Last night I announced a plan to limit my academic research sources to Wikipedia and to the sources cited in related Wikipedia articles. In the light of day, my resolve to this effect remains, though I most likely will not cite Wikipedia at all in any bibliography or list of sources. I wish to make a statement, but I do not wish to commit academic suicide.

Perhaps I should share my method for authoring compositions. I only write papers on topics I know about, so I do not consult sources in writing papers. After I've completed whatever paper I'm writing, I then look for sources that back up what I've already written. Locating the sources is typically a fairly quick and straightforward process. Only on a couple of occasions have I needed to use creative measures to cover my bases.

My mother, who has worked as a school psychologist and school administrator, describes my technique as "just wrong, Alexis" while declining to give any specific criteria  as to define precisely what is so very wrong with the method I use. Since I've never received anything lower than an A (no minuses, even) on any paper I've written, however,  I see no reason to change horses in midstream. No one else has ever received lower than an A on any paper I've written, either, but that's probably a topic best saved for another day, perhaps sometime after I turn eighteen.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: exmormon.org

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: exmormon.org: My PseudoAunt used to read and very infrequently post at exmormon.org. She's not an exmormon, but she found it useful at times to have a pla...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: exmormon.org

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: exmormon.org: My PseudoAunt used to read and very infrequently post at exmormon.org. She's not an exmormon, but she found it useful at times to have a pla...

exmormon.org

My PseudoAunt used to read and very infrequently post at exmormon.org. She's not an exmormon, but she found it useful at times to have a place to be among like-minded individuals while she attended BYU as an undergrad and law school student, and she didn't say this, but she probably also had a desire to vent regarding inlaws that are almost entirely practicing Mormons. She stopped going anywhere near the website because she found it to be very snobbish. She felt that when she commented on a thread, her comments were totally ignored, and when she asked a question, that, too, was ignored.

My PseudoAunt is hypersensitive at times, so all of us took her account of the supposed snobbishness of the exmormon.org message board with about two tablespoons of salt. My PseudoUncle even went so far as to post on the exmormon.org message board himself, airing his wife's thoughts and asking what the story was. He was relatively warmly-received and was assured the board was not cliquish or snobby.

I had a question relative to domestic help in the Romney household that could possibly  be answered by a Mormon. Mormons tend to know Mormons who know other Mormons, etc., so that there's typically a very  finite number of  degrees separating a given Mormon from  a celebrity Mormon. I introduced myself in my post, which was one of the things other posters recommended to my PseudoUncle that my Pseudoaunt do. I was polite and not overly wordy. I wrote just enough to explain what I wanted to know, why I wanted to know it, and why I thought the exmormon.org message board might be a decent source for the information I was seeking.

My message was unilaterally ignored when I posted it. I posted a reply reply to my own thread to move it to the top again. It was then ignored again until the thread was removed by the moderator.

PseudoAunt, I take my words back. You were not paranoid. The posters at exmormon.org really do behave snobbishly and cliquishly.

If anyone thinks it might just be my age that is a problem to the regulars there (I'm a regular reader, just not a regular poster; PseudoAunt read regularly for several years before ever posting anything) a vapid poster there who calls herself Chelseamarie and who supposedly  just turned sixteen quite regularly posts nonsense that receives responses.

If you have concerns with separating from LDS Inc. and need a support group, I wouldn't recommend exmormon.org as a source of support unless you have really thick skin. Ss a group, they appear to be about as cliquish as Mormons are.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Wikipedia and My Education

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: The Wikipedia and My Education: At this particular moment, I am deeply depressed that I've amassed eighty-three quarter units of university credit, not county advanced plac...

The Wikipedia and My Education

At this particular moment, I am deeply depressed that I've amassed eighty-three quarter units of university credit, not county advanced placement courses. My dismay is not due to a  change in majors, nor is it because I have a dismal GPA that I must undo. I'm still at 4.0 (which, for all you little high school flunkies, is the maximum GPA one can have at a university;  we don't have a bogus inflated system).

I'm feeling regretful because just two minutes ago I was blessed with the inspiration of  an ingenious plan. I still can and will  implement my plan, but it would have made a more profound statement had i confined myself to its terms for the duration of my undergraduate university matriculation.

My brilliant plan is this: from this point forward, I will use Wikipedia as my sole resource bank for any and all compositions I author. In doing this I will maintain my 4.0 GPA. This is, I concede, more easily said than done. I cannot restrict my list of works cited to Wikipedia, obviously, but I will limit my sources to those listed in Wikipedia's bibliography for my topic or any Wikipedia entry related to my topic. In a worst-case scenario, I may even resort to editing Wikipedia's existing entries to reflect additional sources I must cite.

In making this bold statement, I hereby  challenge the notion that my generation's contribution to the world of research is not a worthy source for scholarly inquiry.


The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Camping

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Camping: I hate camping. I enjoy taking in the beauties of nature as much as the next person, but I wish to do so on my own terms. At the end of a da...

Camping

I hate camping. I enjoy taking in the beauties of nature as much as the next person, but I wish to do so on my own terms. At the end of a day spent in the wilderness, I want to be able to rid myself of the filth of nature in a shower  in which I do not have to choose between wearing shoes or contracting a possibly terminal case of foot fungus. I don't want to sleep in a sleeping bag. Air-filled mattresses do little to make a night's sleep much more comfortable than sleeping on the cold and rocky floor of the Earth.

I've been camping before. Once. I was three years old at the time, and I was sufficiently miserable that I made everyone around me at least as miserable as I was in order to ensure that I would never be forced to repeat the camping experience. It worked. My parents have never again even hinted at the possibility of asking me to sleep anywhere that was rated fewer than three stars, and I'm not talking about the ones in the sky. Those don't count.

I went to summer camp when I was younger, but it was a tennis camp with two beds to a room, TV,  and air conditioning. That's as close to roughing it as I care to do.

Don't misunderstand me. I like looking  the stars. I did so just a few minutes ago. Then I came back inside and crawled into the Westin bed that is mine to sleep in anytime I'm visiting my PseudoRelatives' home. Nature is beautiful, but so are electricity, in-house running water, and flush toilets. One can have them all on the same day.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Good Old Grandfather

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: Good Old Grandfather: My paternal grandfather, who is my only grandfather I have ever known, has sent out a proposal to all of his grandchildren. He wants us to c...

Good Old Grandfather

My paternal grandfather, who is my only grandfather I have ever known, has sent out a proposal to all of his grandchildren. He wants us to contribute money to Willard Romney's campaign fund, and has offered us financial incentives for doing so. For those of us who are in college or will be in college, any amount that we contribute will be returned to us two-fold in our college discretionary accounts in January of 2013, or, in the cases of those who will not yet be in college in January of 2013, in the first month of college or university enrollment. For those who are out of college or are currently serving LDS missions, the conditions are different, but all are based upon a "support Romney now, double your money in a relatively short interval" premise.

I have trouble with this on so many levels that I scarcely know where to begin, so I suppose I'll begin somewhere in the middle. I seriously doubt that this scheme is even legal. I'll consult my PseudoAunt as soon as she wakes up from her nap. (She has cystic fibrosis and rests at odd times.) Even if my grandfather's plan were not only legal but recommended by the IRS, I still wouldn't do it. Even if my grandfather offered to decatuple my money three seconds after I made the contribution, I still wouldn't do it. Sometimes one must act on principle.

This entire situation causes me to question my grandfather's motives, but only momentarily, as he is, for the most part,  pretty transparent. I didn't say that he is honest or straightforward -- just that he is transparent. my grandfather amassed a considerable fortune in his working years. He will contribute heavily to the Romney campaign. Political contributions are not tax-deductible. Under the right circumstances, contributions to the education of descendants are tax-deductible. I'm sure my grandfather has that angle covered. What he doesn't know about loopholes of this sort, his slimy tax attorney in Salt Lake City does know.  Anyway my grandfather has sixty-two grandchildren.* (It's probable that not of all his children are finished procreating; there likely will be even more grandchildren before all is said and done -- mostly done.) He can probably get them to donate an average of one thousand dollars each to Romney's campaign. Then he can come out even in doubling the grandchildren's money with the creative tax breaks he'll utilize.

My grandfather says he's doing this to encourage all of us to "be of service to out fellow man"  and to learn that sacrificing for the present means ultimately having more. My interpretation is that it encourages all of us to look for "get rich quick" schemes that aren't very safe, as opposed to working hard and putting our money into more secure investments. My grandfather has been fortunate, financially speaking, as Mormons go. As often as not, Mormons trust other Mormons and invest in highly speculative capitalistic ventures -- frequently pyramid schemes by any other name -- and end up having to delay retirement because of their unsound financial practices. By doubling his grandchildren's money so quickly and easily, he's setting us all up for future financial failure.

I have two additional reasons not to take my grandfather up on his offer.  Reason Number One is that I'd almost as soon send money to Charlie Manson at the Corcoran Prison or, for that matter, donate money to Satan himself as to give it to Mitt Romney's campaign. Reason Number Two is that I do not trust my grandfather to give even the money I contribute back to me, much less double it. He sent each of us a contract to complete, but if the terms of a contract are not legal, the contract itself is unenforceable by law. I am easily my grandfather's least favorite grandchild, and it's not much of a stretch to imagine him using this as an opportunity to swindle me out of my hard-earned cash. My parents know this as well, so they wouldn't approve of my participation in  this Ponzi scheme of sorts even if I wanted to be a part of it.

I have my own angle I might explore just for the sheer fun of it. I'll approach my grandfather -- in writing, of course -- to say that, while I appreciate his offer, I cannot  in good conscience  contribute to the campaign of Willard Romney. Since my grandfather's motivations as outlined are altruistic and not political, surely he wouldn't mind extending the same terms to me if I were to contribute to the opposition. I've already contributed to the Obama campaign and plan to donate more. It's no loss to me if I don't see a dime of it back from my grandfather.

My mother says I should not make my proposal to my grandfather because it might cause him to have the big one. My Uncle Michael says I should go for it. He's a medical doctor, and my grandfather is his father, so I probably will proceed with my counter-proposal to him.

* My brother and I are two of those sixty-two grandchildren, which means we each now have sixty first-cousins on my dad's side. My mom is one of seven children, and there are a total of twenty-seven grandchildren on her side, two of whom are my brother and me. This means we have twenty-five first-cousins on my mom's side. Matthew and I each have a total of eighty-five first cousins. I know this is not any sort of a record, but it's still a mind-boggling number. We don't all exchange Christmas gifts; if we did, none of us would have any money to contribute to Willard Romney's campaign or to any other cause. The truth of the matter is that if we're going to contribute to any cause, it probably should be Planned Parenthood.

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: A Hiatus From My Usual Willard Romney-Related Rant...

The Many Banes of My Existence by Alexis: A Hiatus From My Usual Willard Romney-Related Rant...: Just for today, instead of blogging about Willard Romney, I'll focus on his wife, Ann. I won't even pretend to harbor the same intense animo...

A Hiatus From My Usual Willard Romney-Related Rantings

Just for today, instead of blogging about Willard Romney, I'll focus on his wife, Ann. I won't even pretend to harbor the same intense animosity for Mrs. Romney as I do for her husband, but still she is a Romney. Perhaps being a Romney by marriage is even worse in some ways than being born into the fold. For Willard, it can at least be said that he had no choice in the matter. For the record, I'm not sure exactly what it is about Romneyism that rankles me so greatly. I actually like much of what I've read about Willard's late father, George Romney, who seems to have been a very principled man. At the same time, he seems to be the exception in that clan. Maybe it's even just the sound of the name. To my ears, Romney phonemization (not a rea word, by the way) of the now-obsolete sound (from my years in Catholic school) of chalk squeaking on a chalkboard.

Anyway, Ann Romney recently (this morning, I believe) was interviewed by Robin Roberts. Roberts asked Mrs. Romney why her husband refuses to release additional tax returns. Mrs. Romney's answer paraphrased her husband's sentiments, stating,  "We've given all you people need to know about our finances."  She elaborated, offering as evidence of her husband's "worthiness" [my word, not hers] that he gives ten per cent of his income to his church each year.

I take issue with Mrs. Romney's choice of words. What gives her the right to decide what or how much we need to know? Had she said, "We've given you all we're willing to give. You can make a choice to vote for or against my husband based on the information that we've provided, but we're not giving more," I could respect her answer. I still wouldn't vote for her husband, but I wouldn't be offended by her answer. Regarding her incredible assertion that we should trust her husband because he gives a substantial wad of cash to his church each year, I don't even know where to begin, so I won't. Regarding her use of you people, others before me have covered that topic quite soundly.

When pressed as to why her husband would not simply release additional tax returns so that people would move on from that issue, she responded, "Because there are so many things that will be open again for more attack... and that's really, that's just the answer. And we've given all you people need to know and understand about our financial situation and about how we live our life. And so, the election, again, will not be decided on that. It will be decided on who is gonna turn the economy around and how are jobs gonna come back to America."


I take issue not just with her choice of words here, but also with her ideas as to how the election is to be decided. If I'm not mistaken, Mrs. Romney has one vote, just as each of you people have, as my parents have, as most of my readers have, and as I would have if I had been born twenty-six days earlier.   She's not some sort of superelector whose single vote counts for ten thousand votes of the unwashed masses, nor is she the arbiter of what must be considered by each voter entering the voting booth.  She may cast her one vote based on the criteria she considers most critical. If others, however, choose to factor into their decisions the importance of transparency in relation  to the finances of the person we elect to the highest office in our nation, there's not a whole lot either Mrs. Romney or her husband Willard can do about it.


What Mrs. Romney might have said is that the election should be decided based  upon the candidate most qualified to turn the economy around and bring jobs back to America. This would still open an entirely new can of worms, as what in hell makes her husband most likely to bring jobs back to America when he's shown himself to be an absolute virtuoso of outsourcing, of sending jobs out of America? While still ridiculous at face value, at least her verbiage would not have been so off-putting.Additionally, she could have made her point quite nicely without the virtual epithet of you people.


Between her attempt to tell the American voting public how much they need to know in order to make a decision concerning the election, her allegation that, among other things, because her husband gives ten per cent of his income to his church we should trust him and not press him concerning his finances, and her directive as to what considerations not should but will determine the outcome of this year's presidential election, I find Mrs. Romney's attitude  to be amazingly condescending. I have no way of knowing precisely what qualifications she thinks she has to make such determinations for the rest of you people(remember, I can't vote this year, but you people can), but she's not significantly more educated than the average American, and is significantly less educated than most of the adults in my life. Yes, there is more to intelligence than education, but it seems unlikely that Mrs. Romney's life experiences have placed her on a significantly higher plane in that regard  than where most other Americans currently stand.

So cast your vote however you choose, based on whatever criteria you deem important, Ann Romney. Others will do the same whether you like it or not.